The power of beauty

Photo by Qingbo Sun, Paris

"My two cents" is this week's Sunday Scribblings topic. My piece about the power of beauty and aging gracefully was inspired by a news item that a Malaysian Muslim group has banned the use of botox. While I don't like the way botox tends to leave people looking like deer caught in the headlights, I don't think a religious body has the right to try to regulate what beauty treatments its citizens choose.

In 1997, I frowned as a photographer in Pacific Grove, California handed me my passport renewal photo. He smiled as I stared at the photo, searching for flaws. "It's beautiful, even if you don't think so. And ten years from now, you'll be glad for this photograph."

Nine years later, I'm happy to report that my face has barely changed since that photograph was taken. Wasn't it George Orwell who said "at 50, you have the face you deserve?" Now I am closer to 50 than 40 - and don't ask, that's just rude! - the years of religious moisturising combined with high cheekbones and a round baby face have done their job fairly well. Yes, there are a few laugh lines around the eyes. And a line or two appear on my forehead if I frown. Otherwise, no real complaints. (As for the body, that's a different story. You women out there know what I'm talking about).

I was briefly engaged to a Nashville rich boy, who was notoriously tight-fisted. When discussing projected finances he often referred to "pink balloon" purchases, or little luxuries. At dinner with friends he famously said, "I don't mind if you spend five dollars on a jar of moisturizer." I looked at him incredulously, as other women at the table averted their eyes in horror. "Five dollars? The moisturizers I use cost $50 or more." "Well I'm sure you could find something for much less," he replied, failing to note my obvious chagrin.

That little exchange pointed to a lifetime of having my choices questioned, the stress of which would certainly undermine benefits of all that moisturizer. So it was adios, amigo to the rich boy hoarding his pennies! (Needless to say, the important thing about moisturizer is not its price, but how well it works for your particular skin type).

Remembering that long-ago conversation, I am reminded of a scene in the first season of the American television show Desperate Housewives. The character Gabrielle uses her young lover's credit card to buy shoes. As his credit limit is quickly reached and he wonders how to pay the bill, he suggests she take the shoes back to the store. A shocked look appears on her face, as she dismisses his idea, "RETURN THE SHOES?? I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical."

It's all in the eyes

In my early '20s in New York, an art gallery owner invited me to dinner. Arriving at my apartment to pick me up, Lee noticed a black-and-white photo of me. Next to it was a portfolio containing head shots of my tall, willowy roommate, who was then house model for Saks Fifth Avenue, while trying unsuccessfully to make inroads into editorial work. Her photos had been shot by a professional photographer, using various hairdressers and makeup artists.

Lee picked up my photo, contrasting it with the professional ones. "You see this - it's an amateur's photograph, but it's better than any of these professional ones. Because it shows the light in your eyes, which reflects real beauty. All these photos of your roommate are technically good, but her face is flat and lifeless, like cardboard. There's nothing there: no expression; no sign of what's going on inside; no joy," he concluded. So that was my first big city lesson: that it didn't matter what clothes you were wearing or if you had a $200 haircut. What counted was brains, personality, charm, good manners and the art of conversation. Like our grandmothers were fond of repeating, "Beauty is as beauty does."

I was 19 when I first began to understand the real power of beauty. The power to enthrall a man; intoxicate him; to bring him under my spell. And I quickly learned I didn't have to be the most beautiful girl in the room to realise that power.

Once I was having dinner with a troubled friend "Darcy," (not her real name) a tall blonde blue-eyed beauty. We were approached by three men, one who was fixated on Darcy from the moment he saw her. But after spending a few minutes with her, he lost interest. Dancing with me later, he confided, "You know, Darcy's beautiful. But she's boring; she has nothing to say. All she cares about is material things."

Yes, Darcy was a spoiled girl, born into a wealthy Miami family. She had attended a Swiss boarding school, spent holidays at European ski resorts and was well-acquainted with fashion designer labels and expensive jewelry. When she was a teenager, her father abandoned his family, leaving Darcy, her mom and sister without the cushion of their large fortune. Darcy resented this sudden thrust into what she considered abject poverty - most of us would regard her changed circumstances as middle class - and at 20 moved to New York with the objective of marrying a millionaire.

Sadly, Darcy failed to hold anyone's attention for long. While presenting a pretty, well-groomed facade, she contributed little in the way of personality or wit. Last I heard, she'd married a con artist, who'd initially represented himself as an executive for an international steel conglomerate. They had a daughter and were living in New Jersey, quite unhappily, as the "steel magnate" tried, failed and abandoned various money-making schemes. As for Darcy, she never held a job for long; she considered it her due to be a rich man's wife, who should never worry about earning her own living. I wonder what will become of Darcy, as her physical beauty inevitably fades.

Aging gracefully

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. - Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel

I am dismayed by Hollywood actresses' obsession with Botox. I recently saw an attractive actress nearing 70, who had been aging well. But she'd recently spent time with Botox needles, as her face was expressionless, frozen into a smooth, bland look. I couldn't concentrate on the movie - every time her face appeared onscreen, I felt sorry for her - for the pressure to look young; to compete with younger actresses; her desperation increasing as acting offers waned.

In February I wrote a piece about how European women are allowed to age with grace and dignity - none of this "must look 35" mania for them. They laugh at the American obsession with youth and appreciate the finer qualities that come with age - more wisdom, humour, compassion and understanding. These confident women don't feel the need to compete with younger beauties, as they have their own unique and valuable qualities.

Years ago the actor Burt Reynolds said no woman is really beautiful until she's over 30. At the time, my friend Pam and I were in our '20s and didn't agree with his opinion. Once I turned 30, I could see Reynolds had a point. Because at that age, women are beginning to come into their own power; knowing who they are and what they want and with the wisdom and skill to realise their dreams.

Perhaps that self-aware beauty occurs earlier these days - many young women in their '20s seem to be much more confident and together than we were. Still, Reynolds was right - beauty doesn't decrease with age. It changes, yes. But it doesn't disappear, as long as one is engaged and involved in the world; as long as one has someone to love; laughs often and spends time learning new things, while keeping an open mind and open heart. My hope is that as physical beauty fades, inner beauty blooms to compensate.

Comments

[Mark McLellan]

"the real power of beauty. The power to enthrall a man; intoxicate him; to bring him under my spell"

And with that power comes the responsibility to use it wisely. Fortunately many young women to not realise what fools men can be :-)

[Roadchick]

This is an amazingly powerful essay. Roadchick HATES having her picture taken and will RUN from a camera. But, that being said, she is still vain and proud that she gets asked for ID on a regular basis. In spite of being vain, she does not like being classified by her physical appearance - if that is all you can see, then you're not looking closely enough.
Thanks for making us think!

[Nina]

Hi Agree with you.
I am Malaysian born Muslim but I definitely am not into a Nanny State Syndrome.

That is Malaysia for you. If you are interested in other bans (peppered with what I think as a laywoman) you can visit my blog (entry: Banned from calling her Zebra)

Nina

[Gabi]

I absolutely agree with you! This was wonderfully written.
Gabi

[Laini]

What a great post, Tara! Yes, to all of it! And the story of your friend Darcy and the guy's reaction in the bar, it strikes a chord because my parents met in a bar and my mother was initially attracted to my father's friend, but it was my father's intelligence that eventually held her attention. Lucky for me!

[bb]

Ah yes - growing older is definitely better than the alternative!

I'm hoping my round face will continue to stand me in good stead now I'm in my thirties, and beyond.

But as you so rightly say let's concentrate on keeping the inner beauty blooming and that should be compensation enough.

Great words of wisdom, Tara, from one clearly so young ;-)

[Tammy]

Ah Tara,
Amen to this! I read an article that botox can help over salavation in ALS. I think I'll stick to the pills. LOL

[Brittany]

I love your insight on aging. I am there with you. There are those who I love dearly that are having a hard time aging gracefully and its sad to me that they're missing the beauty that comes with aging!

[wendy]

At my core, I agree with you. i would be lying to say I did not envy beauty...or youth...and the power this world gives to those traits. I have thought about erasing those two little angry frown lines between my eyes.. but thus far, have let them stay put. A very thought invoking post.

[Mardougrrl]

Amazing post--so much atmosphere, so much depth. And yes, both beauty in the images and beauty in the writing.

I know that you are beautiful inside and out, even though I have never seen your face. Beautiful through your amazing life experiences and creative spirit.

[samantha]

Amen, I say, amen! I love that quote about women not truly being beautiful until their 30s - of course there is nothing (and I at 27 see that quite vividly) like the bloom of a youth, but there is such beauty in wisdom and maturity!

Oh, and I'm glad you dropped the boy who didn't understand moisturizer. Not many men do, but still...

[January]

Wonderful post, Tara. I do think we get the face we deserve. Fortunately, I'm inheriting my mother's--she has no wrinkles or laugh lines at age 65.

(Hope you're feeling better!)

[swampgrrl]

oh paris parfait. i love this post. i can relate. sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and see my flaws at 41. then i see the wisdom in my laugh lines, the joy in my faded freckles.

thank you for sharing!

[boliyou]

Ah the bloom of youth! Would we inject Botox into a rose to keep it from withering?

[mary jane]

At 57 the face that I see in the mirror is not the face that looked back at me when 30 yet I know I'm a better me today than then. I agree that inner beauty is best and no need for botox. Great post Tara!

[Michelle]

Aiaiai! That moisturizing comment was something else. Good thing you got to see him for the tightwad he was.

I agree with you about aging. It is disturbing to see shows such as "Extreme Makeover", etc. that seem to want to make us insecure in our beauty regardless of our age. Nicely written piece.

[susanna]

Forgot to add that your accompanying photograph is absolutely gorgeous! Such bright beautiful colours!

[susanna]

Here, here! I'm lifting my moisturizing bottle up in a toast to such a great post! I'm finally (!) wearing a bikini this summer for the first time since I was about seven. I'm enjoying this new darned-if-I-care attitude of my late 30's! Oh, I certainly have my jiggly bits and wrinkles but right now I'm feeling pretty good about getting older.

[susannah]

Tara, what a gorgeous post - i loved reading it. and yes, beauty grows with age... and i might not have the cheekbones, but hell, i can have a stimulating debate with the best of them :-) x

[Michelle]

What a great take on the "My 2 Cents" theme. I especially agree with the notion that beauty is more than looks or as the French say, a certain Je ne sais quoi.

[ally bean]

Very nice. I love the Coco quote. Couldn't agree more with both of you.

[Ali la Loca]

My mom is a woman I hope to be like as I grow older. She has resisted the urge to ever color her hair, which is beautifully salt and peppered. She has never had any work done and has vowed never to succumb to the pressure because she wants to set a strong example for me and other young women that lifting and tucking is not necessary. She wears sunscreen, takes vitamins, doesn't drink or smoke, and eats and lives in general like a buddhist monk.

I realized the other night, as I looked in the mirror, that I have my first wrinkles. It's sort of scary to think about, but I hope to be like my mom and have her positive attitude about aging as more and more wrinkles come about with the years.

Thanks for this post, I loved how you involved many different stories to get the point across.

[panasianbiz]

I stumbled across your blog while I was doing some online research. I really was incredibly impressed with how at peace you seem to be with your appearance, especially when so many people are constantly dissatisfied with themselves, no matter what changes they make.

[Verity]

Physical beauty without inner beauty isn't beauty at all, inner beauty is what makes us truly beautiful, doesn't sound like yours will ever fade.

[Sophie]

What a wonderful writing
style you have - i scooted
over her from Susannah's-

beautiful "look" to your
creative blog!

I would love to link you!

[Scott]

Well, well, well, Ms T...haven't we put a little extra something into this week's post? As we used to say around the competitive athletic field, you have "picked em up and laid em down" with this post!!! I absolutely love to give female friends a hard time about all of the effort that they put into making themselves look a certain way and chide them that the wrapper doesn't matter nearly as much as the content.......and then immediately make a comment about how great a woman passing by looks!!! LOL How wonderful to bring Coco Chanel into the story...the matriarch of the modern woman's "you are how you look" school of thought. It's funny how many of the commenters describe how sad it is in America on how looks are held in too high a regard...and how much that standard doesn't apply in Europe. Yet, look at how many of the major cosmetics line bear a European's name. Oh, my T, we could go on and on with our two cents regarding the silly or serious value we put on appearance.....which is why your two cents commentary today is excellent.

A delightful read on a cool (finally) morning in Sacramento.

[Di]

This was delicious ...

[Jemima von Schindelberg]

I've been dwelling on holding spending power recently. I haven't really come to any conclusions but the first part has added to my dwelling.

And beauty, natural beauty, beauty which isn't worth anything unless it is effortless some might say, interesting. It gives me comfort to think I haven't grown into my real face yet. Not that I don't like my face, justa fear that at 30, I know everything I'll ever know.

I think confidence and compassion are the most beautiful cosmetics.

[Linda]

Just curious, being over 50, as to what kind of moisturizer you use. I am always on the look-out for a good one. I have to keep myself out of French pharmacies as I am a French face cream junkie and always want to buy jars of the latest to try. Caudalie looks interesting.

[tinker]

I do think our grandmothers were right: "Beauty is, as beauty does."
You, my dear Tara, are truly beautiful!

[deirdre]

It's so true that age isn't valued in this country. I'm so tired of seeing women who've been plumped and frozen and lifted. I believe the day is coming when the state of a woman's face will indicate her economic and societal status. How sad that appearance has become the value of a person. It wasn't until my 40th birthday that I really felt like a grownup, a woman. I'll take my 45 year old brain over my 25 year old butt any day.

[sundaycynce]

Wow! what a fabulous post! I agree with Becca, this 2cents worth is priceless. I think it deserves to be printed in a women's magazine. I started out thinking I would comment on specific phrases and ideas you used, but the list got way too long to remember them all. And you wrapped it all together beautifully at the end. Thanks for reminding us all that whatever our lot (of looks) in youth, what we each are showing at 50 and older has to do with what we have made of our life and our literal and Biblical talents---it's the humor and intelligence and love and joy of living that are revealed and reveal us to the world.

[Catherine]

That's a great piece. Although I must admit to hardly ever remembering to use moisturiser. I'll just have to rely on inner beauty. and keeping out of the sun (when I use sunscreen, it has moisturiser in it).

[Alexandra]

Ooops! That wasn't from Laini. That was from me, Alexandra. (I'm using her computer right now!)

[Laini]

I once saw a sign in Prague that said, "Don't resist growing older. Many are denied the privilege." As I read your post, as I've often felt before, I felt a pang, a longing to live elsewhere, somwhere outside the US where women are not quite so sillily picked apart as they age. This was yet another terrific post!

[madeleine]

beautifully put, Tara.
my father lives in france and therefore have lots of french friends.
i love their appreciation of the older generation and their lack of desire or need to keep themselves 'preserved' with surgery and botox.

i too find it disturbing when i see a woman who cannot show any expression. give me lines anyday.
and how sad that you're friend could not see what she was missing.

great topic.

[Aly]

I completely agree with your writing, even though having your own 2 cents is not always about agreeing.

Found myself (as always) drawn into the history of your writing, the stories you share, I love reading your blog.

-Aly

[diana]

oh girl.... you sure can write... I love to
read your pieces.. thanks !

[Britt-Arnhild]

You've learned something very important I think. And you also know the importance of sharing.

[Josephine]

Such a well-executed peice.

If people only understood that "Hollywood" and advertizers are using the younger looking people because that is the demographic they are interested in.

That's where they make the majority of their earnings, from 14 - 25 year olds.

Once you get a little older, you've got better things to do with your money than spend it willy nilly.

But instead, people allow the hammer to shape the hand.

[Gemma]

of course we try to look our best.....but as
my Mom used to say "Physical Beauty is fleeting, inner beauty is eternal".
Glad you ditched the guy from Nashville. What happened to the art gallery owner?

[gigergal]

A wonderful piece. I did so enjoy reading it. Of course you're right and I applaude you for it. Thank goodness I'm 41.

gigergal

[amber]

I may have to nominate this for a Perfect Post, later. I loved it.

It's funny, because I am turning 34 in september, and it has sort of stunned me! And I have never been one to freak out about getting older! But I start to think I have not "done" enough, I'm looking old, I'm running out of time... Then, I am seeing my skin sag back to normal, as the swelling leaves my face. I actually looked younger, (although black and blue, lol) after this surgery. It was kind of nice to see my face sans lines, again. *sigh*
I always wanted to age with grace... I hope I can pull if off.

:)

[Cheap Tarts]

Wonderful post! Worth much more that 2 cents, natch!

It's ashame that some men will never understand this concept ... for them beauty is beauty & nothing else will do.

To the other group of fellows "bravo!"

Smooch,
The Tart
; )

[Kamsin]

It's so true that physical beauty only gets you so much attention. I find it really sad the way TV, magazines etc. put so much emphasis on the external when real attractiveness comes from inside. It's all too easy to get caught up on hair styles, make up, clothes and all that is superficial and have no time left to develop our intellect and character. Great post, thanks for you 2 cents!

[Kay]

Tara, that's so true. I used to dread turning 21, then 23, then 25 but now that I'm going to be 29 soon, I feel that my life is just starting and I'm so excited! Your words are encouragement always!

Kay

[Marilyn]

Wonderful post! Jeanne Moreau is the first woman who came to mind when you mentioned that European women allow themselves to age gracefully...remaining beautifully un-Botoxed...and, therefore, beautiful. (Simone Signoret was another one...not traditionally beautiful...but I found her stunning in her later years.) My best 'beauty' secret? A mate who's 8 years younger...I just pretend I'm HIS age. ;)

[kristen]

I'm going to put these wise two cents into my pocket dear Tara. I loved how your story is personal and revealing and also global because feeling good in our skin transcends everything and is just about being a girl.

[bonnie]

What a great post! I see so much character in faces with wrinkles and hair that hasn't been colored. And true beauty is so much deeper than the skin. Thanks!

[susanlavonne]

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art."
(For the record, I am NOT implying that YOU are old, Tara :-) You have so eloquently put into words such truth about beauty.

A caring smile, a "joie de vivre," self-confidence, wit, and a little under-eye concealer can go a very long way in influencing the "eye of the beholder."