Vintage hand-carved miniature shoe lasts and slippers from a French shoemaker, gifts from my friend Gabrielle.
Last week I had lunch with Gabrielle in a little medieval village outside Paris. On the way, we were discussing her recent trip to Washington, D.C. She told me that she and her friend (also French) were amused by going into stores, restaurants, etc. and being treated as though they were long-lost friends. "Hi! How're you doing?" was the typical greeting. In one store, Gabrielle responded, "I'm fine. How's your mom?" and she and her friend burst out laughing.
The clerk was bewildered, until Gabrielle explained she was French and that in France, greeting strangers tends to be more formal. Usually the sales assistant will greet a customer with "Bonjour, Madame" or "Bonjour, Monsieur." Clerks would never dare presume to be so "friendly" with a customer as American sales assistants might.
The last time I was in San Francisco, I took my husband to John's Grill (of Dashiel Hammett's The Maltese Falcon fame) for steak. Even though we had reservations, we were kept waiting for half an hour. Then we were thoroughly annoyed by the young waiter, who kept trying to make conversation. "Where're ya'll from?" he started out. "I live here," I said, to cut him short. But that wasn't enough. He started telling us about himself and persisted in questions about my husband's British accent, etc. etc.
Now I understand that in the U.S. waiters attempt to provide good service and be friendly, to insure nice tips. My daughter made excellent tips when working as a waitress part-time in Savannah. She quickly learned that to get good tips in a town popular with tourists, she needed to be friendly, talkative AND provide good service in a timely manner. In a tourist town like Savannah, restaurant patrons may be more eager to converse with their server, ask questions about sites nearby, etc.
But we didn't come to the restaurant in San Francisco to get to know the waiter; we came for dinner. And when I told him I lived in San Francisco (and I had until the year before), he should have cut the "tourist talk" short, rather than continually interrupt our dinner.
In France, the waiters do their job expertly and efficiently and never ask anything more personal than "how do you want your lamb cooked?" Of course in France, waiters are professionals, not college students or actors working part-time to pay the bills until they can pursue their "real" careers.
The customer isn't always right
French sales clerks do not subscribe to the "customer is always right" theory so popular in the US. I told Gabrielle about an experience I had recently at The Body Shop. I was looking for Cucumber Water, an astringent toner that I've used since 1983. It seems they no longer carry that product in France, although a similar product containing seaweed was for sale. I was content to use that until next I'm in London and can buy more Cucumber Water, but no! The sales clerk argued with me that it was the wrong product for my combination skin. I assured her it would do just fine, but she refused to sell me the product insisting I buy another for dry skin. So I walked out without buying anything.
Another time I went to a hair salon to book an appointment for a hair colour. This was shortly after we'd moved here from London and I was afraid even to venture into a salon. When I told the woman what I wanted, she said, "No!" and shook her finger in my face. Because she was convinced another colour would be better for me, no matter what I wanted. And she was determined to have things her way. Another time the woman cutting my hair refused to shape it the way I preferred. The French tend to think they know best about matters of aesthetics, although they're not always right.
Last month when having dinner with friends visiting from Holland, I told them the one thing I don't like about France is how the French try to impose their will on everyone. If you dress and act politely, as expected according to the standards of convention, you're accepted to a degree (although you will be viewed always as a foreigner). If you dress differently and don't conform to their expectations, you're frowned upon.
It stems from their deep-rooted suspicion of change and their stubborn refusal to be influenced by American or British culture, which they consider vulgar. Mais oui, it's the French you see standing in the express line on the street outside McDonald's - not the Americans or Brits. It also stems from the fact that the French, who don't travel outside their own country as much as other Europeans do, are bascially insecure. And in many ways, the French are insular and sometimes provincial. And if you want to start an argument, bring these topics up in conversation!
That being said, I love the French. The majority of them are wonderful and charming, with hearts of gold. And once you're friends, you're friends for life. Vivre la difference!
During our first visit to Paris, my daughter, aged 9 at the time, ordered a chocolate dessert at a brasserie. The waitress tsked at her and told her she didn't really want what she ordered; there was something better. My daughter stuck to her first choice, but the waitress insisted that she was mistaken. I encouraged the waitress to listen to my daughter's preferences, afterall she was just beginning to speak out and order things herself. Non. The other chocolate dessert is better. We deferred.
And she was right. My daughter was so pleased with the waitress' selection and insistence, she left 2 euros out her own pocket money as an additional tip!!
We learned then, while some waiters can be pushy, they are often right. I listen to them now...every time.
Meilleurs voeux!!
Posted by: blueVicar | 13 February 2007 at 17:03
Who knew? Now the animosity I keep hearing about from both sides has an explanation. Thanks for helping us understand our French brothers and sisters better. XXOO
Posted by: Tammy | 13 February 2007 at 02:10
Fascinating post, Tara! Like everything in life, it's difficult to achieve that perfect balance in our dealings with strangers in a social setting. The trend here in America is often to over-do the friendliness. I'll rememeber to remain politely reserved if/when I ever travel to France!
Posted by: Becca | 12 February 2007 at 22:14
Wow! I am constantly having to listen to husband complain about the overfriendly American sales associate. He's from Ireland and the situation he REALLY hates is conversation with strangers on an elevator, never mind the waiter who is all teeth asking how you are. As you can imagine, Victoria's Secret is a nightmare for him.
Posted by: casapinka | 12 February 2007 at 21:24
Really enjoyed this post! In the UK it's lucky if you manage to get a waiter that actually gets your order right and remembers to bring your food to the table, seriously service in this country is appauling, not just in restaurants. But I don't think I'd like the over chatty American version of good service, and have to say that when I've met Americans there have been times I've found them disconsertingly "friendly" when I barely know them, or more importantly they barely know me.
Anyway, great post.
Posted by: Kamsin | 12 February 2007 at 19:55
"It stems from their deep-rooted suspicion of change and their stubborn refusal to be influenced by American or British culture, which they consider vulgar."
Trust me, that concept is alive and well in the conservative smaller cities of the midwest USA. Here, to be different in any way, is to not exist. The insecurity about difference is incredible and deep-rooted.
And what makes me smile is that so many people in these parts consider the French to be the enemy, yet they behave in the same self-limiting ways!! If I thought on this too long I'd go crazy, so I guess I'd better laugh.
Posted by: ally bean | 12 February 2007 at 16:39
I've spent time in Europe and once, after an extended stay, returned to the US and remember being so startled when strangers passing me on the sidewalk would say hello or make some friendly comment. I'd gotten used to the European way, which can seem unfriendly and abrupt. And of course I've never been yelled at in shops like I have by the French for not being more fluent in their language. (I was really trying.) I don't know, but I think I prefer overly friendly to downright hostile. A smile and a little insincere talk doesn't hurt as much as a nasty attitude or comment.
Tara responds:
The French don't smile often during business transactions, because they think it makes them seem less serious and professional. They're reserved and don't consider this rudeness. In the last 20 years, the French have made a real effort to be kinder to visitors. I'm sorry you encountered some rude clerks. It's difficult to imagine them yelling at you - the French appreciate someone at least making an effort to speak French. Perhaps you encountered the clerks on a bad day. Unfortunately, no matter the locale, one may encounter rude and unhelpful people.
Posted by: RD | 12 February 2007 at 14:33
I thoroughly enjoyed this post! See, I am half French but raised in and near Mexico. We are Spanish as well... Sooo, all of this exists in Mexico as well. And, not the Mexico that every American thinks of.. It is a different world. In Mexico, waiters are waiters, they serve and stay silent. No fun and games. I live in Arizona, and I can not stand all the questioning by these young obnoxious male waiters. "What do you do, do you like it, how can I get in it?" I mean, bring me my food and get away. Hee. I am not mean, but, I agree and understand everything you are talking about!
Posted by: Vanessa | 12 February 2007 at 05:56
I thoroughly enjoyed this post! See, I am half French but raised in and near Mexico. We are Spanish as well... Sooo, all of this exists in Mexico as well. And, not the Mexico that every American thinks of.. It is a different world. In Mexico, waiters are waiters, they serve and stay silent. No fun and games. I live in Arizona, and I can not stand all the questioning by these young obnoxious male waiters. "What do you do, do you like it, how can I get in it?" I mean, bring me my food and get away. Hee. I am not mean, but, I agree and understand everything you are talking about!
Posted by: Vanessa | 12 February 2007 at 05:56
I think we have a mixture of both French & American waiters down here - and we also have rude, snobby waiters who think they are doing YOU a service by waiting on you. pfft to them!
oh & does that mean you & I are friends for life??? xox
Posted by: miss*R | 12 February 2007 at 05:14
When I am dining out my goal is to spend that time enjoying the company I am with and the food being served. A server who tends to the needs at hand is all that is required. An overly chatty server takes up precious time from the evening with my dining partner or partners. I don't need to be asked MANY times in the first 5 minutes of being served "how's your meal?" The same goes for a shop where the clerk wants to steer you to the sales or promotions or get you to open a credit card to save 15%. I feel if I need assistance in any situation where I am the customer - I will ask. It is then that good customer service begins.
This was a very interesting post and you're right - vivre la difference.
p.s. I tend to talk to people and many times like I know them - perhaps I'd be seen as vulgar in France. In London I found people receptive to that kind of friendliness...but then I wasn't their server or clerk.
XOXO
Posted by: Lisa(0ceandreamer) | 12 February 2007 at 01:53
When I first moved to Charleston,SC. , I was a waitress for a while,(in a nice restaurant which was an old house serving Southern style cuisine) so I have been on both sides! I only chatted if people insisted...and believe me in this tourist town they want to know everything..very much like Savannah! However... when I am out for dinner..I do not want to converse with the waiter! Trust me...the South IS really into talking! ha!
Posted by: Pam Aries | 12 February 2007 at 01:30
I'm with you, Thelma. I like the friendliness of Americans, but it's just so universally and sloppily applied! We Americans could use more self discipline in any number of situations, not the least of which relates to eating! The French have their little ways, too, but don't we all?
Xoxo,
Louise
Posted by: Laura | 12 February 2007 at 00:22
I must admit, we have three teens, and we do not get to many "fine restaurants".
We are from The South in the US, so we are known for our "Gift of the Gab" or "Chit-Chat". If it is battered & fried, then it's got to be good!
My two sons & I are coming to Europe in June, this year, so get ready! I'm sure we will get some sneers, some laughs and some lessons on etiquitte from those "more culturally aware" than us, but I doubt it will hamper our own ability to laugh at ourselves or our decision to learn-as-we-go. We are coming to UK, Germany, France, Spain, and Italy----Get ready for us!
Posted by: megnificence | 11 February 2007 at 23:28
I was in Paris so long ago I can't remember what the waiters were like...but I do like a waiter who doesn't try to be my best friend. I think I would like the French ways :>).
Posted by: Leslie | 11 February 2007 at 20:46
My husband hates the french. But he has vowed he will take me to Paris one day...I've never been. He thinks having a bit more money,now, may make his impressions better. But from what you say..perhaps not. He is rather American.
Posted by: wendy | 11 February 2007 at 18:21
As the French themselves admit: les français sont chauvins. And the one thing my French aunt insisted on and drummed into me was to be "discreet".
I think I ended up somewhere in-between.
But as North American as I am, I dislike strangers getting too personal. Good service will get my tip, not chit-chat -- although being "discreet" and polite, I put up with the waiter-banter! Not so the anonymous telemarketer who catches me on the phone and says: Hi, Colette, how are you today. Grrrrrr!!
Posted by: Colette | 11 February 2007 at 18:11
Bless shoe darling one.
My Grandfather was a most excellent shoe maker.
I still remember the smells of the leathers and the shoes he hand made with great care.
Love Jeanne ^j^
Posted by: Jeanne | 11 February 2007 at 16:46
I don't mind a chatty waiter from time to time but my pet peeve is the level of noise that emits from so many restuarants. The ill-mannered children drive me crazy too. Restaurants are like church - when the kids get rowdy, take then outside for a talking-to. It's called teaching them manners.
I love the way you ended this post Tara. It completely echoed my thoughts after about the second paragraph. Vive la difference.
Posted by: annieelf | 11 February 2007 at 16:10
Oh Tara I detest Canadian Cashiers who fail to know you, yet use your name, followed by a redundant insincere thank-you for shopping at….such and such! Or the overly brash waiter who interrupts conversations that never seem to be recouped, to tell you his name or chat nonsense! Two pet peeves to say the least! Abhorring small talk, I can be found darting down the opposite isle of a store to avoid acquaintances! Be what it may, I find it an annoyance when I’m on a mission to accomplish a task. Now if it’s a good friend, that’s completely different, I always welcome that connection! Great insight into the culture....lovely post!
Posted by: giggles | 11 February 2007 at 15:30
You have so eloquently voiced one of my pet peeves about American restaurants: I am at the restaurant to chat with my friends/family, NOT the waiter! Courtesy is one thing; faux friendship quite another :-)
And speaking of conformity, I must admit that I am always delighted when someone stops me on the streets of Paris to ask for directions. As soon as I politely apologize in French, the gig is up...but it's always fun for those few first minutes!
Posted by: susan | 11 February 2007 at 15:20
Yikes! This is probably why I don't need to venture over there...I'd get myself in a heap of trouble. I always talk to people as if we have known each other forever. It has worked out well until now...what about smiling at people you pass? Would they be suspicious of you?
I do hate a chatty server when I'm trying to eat. Especially when you can tell they are going for the high tip!
Posted by: phyllis | 11 February 2007 at 15:05