Never satisfied

A poem and prose for Poetry Thursday 's prompt "the body knows." Writing this piece was very upsetting and I hesitate to unleash these raw emotions on an unsuspecting public:

If you love me
you will think I am beautiful
whether or not I am thin

Real beauty
comes from within
and is not related to size

The scope of my heart and intellect
is what matters
any day of the week

So why do I frown
when I look in the mirror;
don't I love myself?

I'm going to tell you a secret. For all my myriad accomplishments, to this day body image is a tortuous psychological issue for me. Thinking about weight - and I think about it every single day - has the ability to bring me to tears more than anything else in my life. Since I was a teenager this subject has made me uncomfortable and self-conscious. Even when men were oohing and aahing, I thought I was too curvy, too busty.

People have always talked about my pretty face, big eyes and high cheekbones, but rarely commented about my body - at least not in a good way. When men said I was "stacked like a brick house," I didn't feel flattered.

One day my friend said with concern, "You're looking very thin and peaked." After leaving a bad relationship, I'd lost weight in a short space of time. Later that day I had a phone conversation with my ex and told him I'd lost 20 pounds, in the grief of our break-up. His response? "That's good," as though I'd achieved something positive. I'd been the perfect size ten the entire time he knew me, so why did he think I needed to lose 20 pounds?

Recently I watched Kate Winslet diving into a pool* and realised the last time I felt comfortable doing that, I was 24 years old. All these years, I've worried my body isn't good enough, that I can't measure up - to what? A model-thin figure from the editorial pages of Vogue? How much time and energy have I spent worrying about what others think and projecting their concerns onto my own fragile self-image?

Last year a relative looked at some photos taken not that long ago and said, "Look at how thin you were then," implying of course, that I'm not now. Whenever I lived or traveled in the Middle East, people would say to me, "You're so thin! You need to eat more rice, more potatoes. We need to put some meat on your bones."

Why do people seem to think they have the right to comment/pass judgement on people's size? All my life I've been told by well-meaning or perhaps not-so-well-meaning friends or relatives that I'm either too thin or too chubby - rarely has anyone said, "You're beautiful exactly the way you are." My beloved grandmother spent her adult life battling weight gain and diabetes. Some people made her feel ashamed, as though she'd done something wrong, but it was a matter of genetics. I worry that I'll have a similar fate.

I have a favourite taupe silk shantung jacket and slacks that no longer fit properly and my jeans are too tight. After 40, one's metabolism slows and your body begins subtle (or not-so-subtle) changes. Without realising it, I've gained weight, almost in the blink of an eye. How did it happen?

I've thought about it and think it started when we moved to Paris. Maybe it was drinking more red wine, eating French baguettes, but I think I've slowly added pounds as a perverse form of "protection." Because never in my life have I felt more emotionally vulnerable than in Paris - surrounded by impossibly chic, stick-insect French women - like those pages of the fashion magazines come to life. These women can be very judgmental if you don't conform to their standards of dress/appearance.

In Paris, my identity and credence as a journalist, traveling in certain circles went out the window. In this city one is judged very much by appearance. The French respect a fine mind, but they'll never notice if they don't notice you - because you're not thin enough. So often I wish I could be invisible here.

The funny thing is, I eat less than anyone I know. I walk for miles and miles all over Paris, but my metabolism has slowed and my waist has disappeared. Besides getting more exercise, the only solution - short of bust-reduction surgery - seems to be to cut out the red wine (which is good for your heart and I have a minor heart problem).

My body is changing and could there be any worse place in the world for this to happen than Paris? If I traveled anywhere else, people might think I could stand to lose a few pounds, but they wouldn't consider me fat. In Paris, if you're not a size two, there's something wrong with you. And this is not just my experience. A very svelte American woman who lived here for years talked about the same issues. When she went to the US, her size 8-10 figure was envied. In Paris, she was viewed as a "big girl." (Her words, not mine).

Meanwhile, I've put off a hair appointment, because is there anything more disheartening than being in a salon surrounded by skinny French women, all wearing black (as though they need to look thinner)??!! It's no wonder that even after six years, Paris doesn't feel like home.

*scene from the movie "The Holiday"

Comments

[Anya]

Oh Tara,
It's just so, as you have written it.
In 2001 I was in Paris and decided to get my hair cut. When the stylist commented in French to her boss that she thought I was pretty, I blushed to my roots. Then she laughed realizing I understood. But now, approaching 50, I too have gained weight and have taunted my reflection with that memory.
Why oh why? We are the shoulder generation. We stand with the rise of feminism on one side and the continued objectification of women on the other.
Our knowledge can't be measured in pounds or tailles.
Anya

[Jodi]

What an honest post. I can relate in so many ways. I have to remember to read more of your blog and not just the posts for one deep breath.

[Roberta]

Hi,

I really enjoyed your post! thank you!

[Willow Grace]

You've touched on a very personal and poignant subject but as you can tell by all the responses, you are not alone.
I can't even imagine the sideways glances American woman get in Paris. What I do know is how I felt years ago working in the television and radio industry in Hollywood and how easy it is to be completely self-deprecating. It's mentally exhausting and so very stressful. Living in the Bay Area is better because although we're much more focused on healthy lifestyles, it's not merely about body size and image. Thank you for sharing your personal story with us.

[Wanderlusting]

I'm a bit late in discovering your great blog but this post hit a true nerve.

I am lucky enough to have my man say this: ""You're beautiful exactly the way you are." But no matter how much he loves and accepts me, I don't believe it. It's not enough. I have to believe I am beautiful and sadly that won't happen until I lose a few pounds.

[Marilyn]

This is such an honest and touching post, Tara. I just wish that 'people' didn't automatically assume that slender people have it easier. I've been ridiculed my entire life about being thin...as if I had any control over my particular genetic makeup that made me this way. And like you, I'm never less than appalled at how total strangers feel as if it's their perfect right to pass judgment on my body. I'm sorry you're feeling out of your element there (body-wise)...I know what it's like to feel out of one's element in a place...feeling like it could NEVER feel like home...so I empathize.

[Chris]

As a man I don't get the same comments as much, but I have been called to thin and overweight in the same day. People do need to just shut their mouths unless they are intelligent enough to figure out the right way to make a compliment. Family is not excluded my any means. I am so sorry for your lifelong battle with not hearing enough positives about how great you look below the neck line. You are a beautiful person inside, from what I know from these posts. I am sorry I have not visited in so long-You seem to have been busy.

[Richard]

Good post - and true for both sexes - whether or not we admit it.

[jillypoet]

I hate hate hate how the world does this to women. Can you believe what a chord you struck? Don't you feel just a bit better, knowing you have sisters all over the world saying, Right on! Thank youfor your honesty and your beautiful writing!

[robin]

Tara,

I too have struggled with the issue my whole life. I guess this is why I would rather just 'visit' Paris, rather than live there. Seems to me I would live and be more welcomed in Italy...I think they appreciate a little more voluptuosness in their women. It is also been my experience that American men(in general) do not like thin waify women..... they prefer a little more to love! As long as you eat well and get some exercise, drink some red wine, have friends and work that you love...that should be the important points. Forget what everyone else says. Life is meant to be enjoyed...don't compare yourself to anyone!!! You are you...and a wonderful you at that!

[DebR]

I've never understood why people feel free to make intimate observations about another person's size and weight - even people who wouldn't dream of making intimate comments to that person about most other things. I find it utterly baffling, and frequently frustrating, since I've struggled with my weight my entire adult life and married into a family where watching and commenting on body size and shape is a big family-wide hobby. Drives me nuts! This whole post really struck home for me - and makes me never want to visit Paris! I'm big by US standards, so I guess in France I'd need my own zip code. Yikes!

[Vanessa]

WOW. Been there. Felt all of that. Gone back and forth, forever!!! Yes. Heart to heart.. XXO, Vanessa

[wendy]

Do you think you struck a nerve here, dear Tara? These are all women who are ready to be BEAUTIFUL. ARE BEAUTIFUL. are tired of being judged as not good enough.

The way I see it is this "Chic" has only so many chairs..like musical chairs. Only so many seats. But a bunch of catty women in that room, and the claws come out.

How to stop it?? Stop playing the game. There's no point.

I too am 40 plus, very active, and changing. Am I supposed to hate myself as I age? Long for when I had a 24inch waist? Pine for youth?

I was a mess then. Thin, perhaps, but a mess. I came home from a year in NYC and my mom thoght I was a heroin addict. I told her, "No mom, I'm just poor." Eating soup all the time will do that to you.

Oh..and don't lot of people in France smoke..My sister still smokes..at 45... She looks good..but she can't breath...and SHE IS NOT HEALTHY.

You are one of the most beautiful women I know. Keep your chin up.

Don't play the game. REFUSE to play. you are much too good for the game.

Much Love.

[Carla]

Fabulous post. The media has not helped women's plight. Wouldn't it be nice if we all accepted each other for who we are. I'm sure you're beautiful and you obviously have a mind to boot, so you go girl. I'm sure you'll go far. Thanks for putting the message out.

[Jone]

Tara,
The poem is amazing. I so related to your comments, especially the eating less, walking and not losing!!!Arghh!! Thank you for being so open.

[Laura]

Tara, dear, I've been a little incommunicado this week, since I only have dialup in the apartment I'm staying in---so I've just read this post. How I wish there were something I could do or say that would erase those awful feelings you describe. I, of course (and my David) think you are gorgeous, because you are. You're the real thing, the whole package---brains, talent, beauty. No, you don't look as though you're in your twenties and that's as it should be. Let go of the old image of you and embrace the Tara now. I promise you, she's a star.

[holli]

You know how I feel about this. If it isn't one thing, it's another - it always has been. And weight is an issue that's been pounded into my head by my family, so it's no big shock that I have a hard time with the subject.

I think you're beautiful - inside and out. In the end, nobody remembers how you looked in your jeans on one particular day in February. That's not the mark you'll leave on this planet and it's not what matters.

That being said - it doesn't make it any easier.

xoxo

[sarala]

This is painfully honest and very well written. But shame on the French for being so judgmental. I am underweight enough that people have accused me of having an eating disorder (which I don't) but feel the same dissatisfaction with form that you describe. I wrote about this in my post. Interesting that a prompt that could have been taken as body positive is interpreted by so many in a body shame way.

[January]

Like so many others, I can relate.

First, excellent poem. Love the form and the soft rhymes throughout.

As for the post, since I'm not a little closer to 40 than 30, this one hits home. The clothes not fitting, losing the wasteline--have you been reading my diary?

*sigh*

Good thing we (all) are smart, beautiful, and talented, or something like this could really get us down.

[annieelf]

You have pushed a lot of buttons with this post, Tara, mine included. It hurts so much, I can't even write much about it. Even when I was slim, I was criticized. Thighs were the culprit even at 120 lbs. One twenty for God's sake!!!!

[The Bold Soul]

I appreciate your candor and willingness to call it like you see it. Not having been here very long, this has been one of my own concerns: fitting in as a zoftig woman in a stick-insect culture, and NOT letting it ruin my own sometimes fragile self-image. I am happy I managed to take of about 30 lbs before coming over here but I'm still at least 70 lbs heavier than I should be, and that's not by French standards either. I'm waiting for my scale to arrive in my boxes so until then I've been trying to judge my weight by how my pants fit. I've struggled with weight my entire adult life and with body image since I was 15, and you're right -- over 40 it's just that much harder. I'm now trying to make it about NOT struggling, about doing what I need to do to be healthy, enjoy life, and reach some measure of self-acceptance of the body I've got.

And I'm saving up for that breast lift/reduction myself because the girls are definitely heading SOUTH now and I don't like it. I want them smaller and perkier!

[berrie]

society and media have put such strain on woman to be rail thin, impossible to achieve for most all of us. It was not too long ago that a more voluptuous figure was considered BEAUTIFUL...curves where in. I am so sorry that you have had this to deal with, I fear for my daughter and all young teen girls, who will start to feel this sick twisted pressure. I love the new dove adds REAL Woman we need more of this....I too have wondered HOW some people think they have the right to say anything about ones weight. I have never had weight issues, but even still I wanted so badly to keep weight on, that too can be equally as hard to do...I use to feel like shit when someone would say to me you're sooo skinny:( , honestly it made me feel yucky because I often felt too skinny and scrawney sometimes my clothes felt like they fell off of me...it works both ways, people need to just learn to keep their mouths shut, society needs to stop for all of our sakes, and Tara YOU are beautiful, I can't see you in person, I can't see this figure, but I imagine a bright kind smile and all the other stuff just matters NADA ! Keep shininig friend! xoxoxoxox

[miss*R]

you know,Tara, I am quite thin but I have a french girl-friend, Anique who is about 10 years older than me...... she makes me cry sometimes - she has a certain way about her... she is not beautiful but just knows how to dress, how to flick her hair... well, you know...
I just want to come to Paris and hug you..... we all worry so much about our 'faults' ... when really we are perfect just the way we are... xo

[Jeanne]

Treasure the blessing that you are to us all.
You are beautiful inside and out.
There is far too much emphasizing on weight for women.
The true beauty is in the soul of a person.
Love to you!
Jeanne
X0X0

[Linda]

I am one who never felt attractive until I moved to France. Men here flirt with me much more, I feel more noticed. However, I am slowly putting on the pounds, especially with that yummy French food and wine, and I hate it. I am trying to keep my weight down for my health but it isn't easy. My sweet husband said to me, after I was complaining about how fat I was getting and how tight my jeans were, "Why don't you just get bigger jeans?" Isn't that great?

[Catherine]

I'm sure you're beautiful the way you are. I'm taking off weight at the moment, and it is certainly a struggle when you are older. I'm not doing it for looks. I'm doing it because I realised that it is much harder to drag a heavy body up a hill than a lighter one. I never expect to get down to a size 10. But I have more energy and that is what matters. I rather like my curves! I think I'd miss them if I got too slim (though there's not much chance of that).
Obesity is a huge health issue, but so is underweight. And no one should comment on other people's bodies.

[ali la loca]

Oh, do I relate to this. The whole time I lived in Brasil I felt like (and was told to my face) that I was the "big girl". It was awful, and I would always pretend that people's comments about my weight would just roll of my back, no harm done. But they did tremendous harm, and to this day nearly 10 years later I still remember specific remarks people made about my body.

That's one nice thing about living in Africa - people are definitely appreciative of a fuller figure - but even so, the comments don't disappear. Our maid, Dona Lídia, comments all the time that I have gotten fat, that I'm chubby, etc. I always took these observations as a terrible offense. One day, I asked Dona Lídia if being fat was a good thing or a bad thing. She thought for a while, then said, "It's a good thing, senhora."

Certainly the Paris/Rio type of comments are of a different flavor (from a perspective that fat = unattractive), but nonetheless it was a good lesson for me about the assumptions I was making, and about how terrible my body image still is, after all my struggles.

Hang in there, beautiful you. There is obviously a world full of women that empathize and adore you just the way you are.

[Rethabile]

Blew me away with your poem, you did. And your commentary on it...

Wow.

You say, "cut out the red wine (which is good for your heart and I have a minor heart problem)." Cutting out the red wine is good? Or red wine is good? My excuse for guzzling the stuff often is that it's good for the circulatory system. If it isn't, I have to find another excuse. Dang!

I wonder if men with "l'embonpoint" feel the same, feel unloved and unappreciated. I don't know. Thank you for sharing this well.

[Literary bohemian]

I read your post and thought -yep uh-huh, me too -even though I'm not near forty yet. A pregnancy was impossibly hard on my body.

But listen, you know whats fun? Its fun to pamper yourself -give yourself a hot oil treatment or take a bath in milk and oatmeal - spray your body with rose-water every day. It really helps with the body image issues. All that stuff says to your body - I love you, body! And afterwards your skin is silky smoothe, your hair is shiny and you smell wonderful! Its amazing what you can do with food-stuff and olive oil!

[Alex aka Gypsy Girl]

Dearest Tara! As you can see, you're not alone here. It's so true that we waste so much energy with body image and comforming to formulas, magazines, movie stars. I often wish I could just wear the tiny shorts or the swimming suit without worrying too. ( I'm pretty sure I felt the same way when I watched KW on Little Children, wasn't it in that movie?) I don't think it's a Paris thing... It's everywhere... I grew up in Brazil and I still carry the stigma of a Garota de Ipanema, if you know what I mean... But saying it like that, in such eloquent words makes all of us feel better and braver! Thank you!

[Lisa Oceandreamer]

Where do I begin with this subject? Me who rarely has her photo taken because my face is so full. Where do I begin with this subject? Me whose body completely changed 25 yrs ago after five invitro attempts and being pumped full of hormones. Me who managed to get to a better weight so I was at least half way ok and then WAM 40 hit and the changes began again. Then WAM menopause. Where do I begin with this subject? Me who would love to wear certain clothes but can't. Me who would love beyond words to meet other bloggers and yet fear it due to bad body image issues. Me who never looks forward to summer and hasn't worn shorts or a bathing suit in longer than I probably even realize. Me who cannot handle when a size 10 woman looking just fine that says "I am SO overweight". All of this perpetuated by who exactly? Who does this to us? Where do I begin with this subject? Me who NEVER judges ANYONE by the size of their body but by the size of their feeling heart...YET I do not ever afford myself the same courtesy, EVER?
Oh how we need to find a way to be more gentle on ourselves....when you find a means to that could you please email me?
Thank you for your complete honesty Tara...this is a subject that plagues me and yet I am NOT the sum of my thighs or arms or chest or...or...
XOXO
Love,
Lisa

[Chickadee Chatter]

Weight and body image are amazingly painful to so many of us. Your poem spoke to me and so did your backstory. Another overweight, over-40-year-old who tends to feel bad about herself.

[simon]

hi!
Go to this blog :- www.drmichelletempest.blogspot.com

Michelle talks about this very thing.

Sadly we live in a world where a perceived "body beautiful", even for men is to be a particular shape or size. I ride 200km a week. I was always 80 kg but now I am 47 I am 90kg, and thicker in the middle. Our body shape does change after 40 even with diet and exercise. Its nothng to be ashamed of. I can still ride better than most. and I do not look "fat" at all, just more solid than the whippet dance physique I once had.

I know ballerinas too ( Sylvie Guillem) and (no offence Sylvie) but they are too thin.

SO, I think you need to know that beautiful women are like the women of the 1930's. Not the skinny "drugged" look of today (as in the models).

We need to learn to age gracefully and not be ashamed of who we are.

Paris IS a beautiful place.
xxx

[awareness]

I posted a photo of myself on my blog last week and it lasted about 30 minutes before I took it down.......I felt so vulnerable when I looked at it. The picture I have in my head is me at 25, not me at 46.......I can fully appreciate and understand your feelings and perspective on weight, Tara. This post and your heartfelt words pierced my heart and brough tears to my eyes.

Every morning I get up and think........I've go to get a handle on my weight.......and it doesn't seem to happen. It's like I'm in stall mode or something.....and yes, part of it is metabolic for me as well.

OK............here's a funny story.....

Last spring, I was feeling pasty white and dumpy.......a reunion was in the future and I was going to be attending and seeing people I hadn't seen since I was in my early 20's. So, not only did I diet, I decided to check out a tanning place down the street from my office. I had never been before, so I asked the women I work with.......they had ALL been....... and had lots of helpful hints and instructions. They one they were adamant about was to make sure I covered my breasts because my nipples would burn and it would be painful. Okey dokey......

So, I head over there........lay down naked on a tanning bed for the first time in my life and quickly realized I didn't need to worry about burnt nipples......THEY WERE NICELY TUCKED UNDER MY ARMPITS!!!

I blame nursing my babies!!!!

Hope it made you smile!

God........how I wish I still had perky breasts!!

[Angela J.]

Really appreciated this one - it's a subject I don't blog about because most of my readers are family and it's such a ridiculous obession in my family. I would love to be thin but I refuse to diet - I eat VERY healthy and believe food is a gift from God and is meant to be enjoyed!

Paris is a hard place to be a girl - surrounded by a Napoleonic people - I can still see this woman's butt in my head on the metro, and she had a child with her! - I will never understand how an adult women could be so small.

You go shopping praying they have a size 42 - normal here - the largest on the rack there.

I understand.

I am only 31 but the family genes have not been good to me in the weight and hips department - I can for the most part manage my self esteem here but I really can understand your frustration living there. It's really hard to unplug from how society says you should look in a country where society is a bunch of teeny, fresh-faced frenchies in jeans we can only dream of fitting in to.

Go get your hair cut, you will feel better (I am getting mine done on Saturday - an instant self esteem boost even with a salon full of twigs who have never breast fed a baby).

You're in my prayers.
"You are fearfully and wonderfully made." - God

Fondly, Angela

[AscenderRisesAbove]

women all over the world are reading this and nodding their heads "yes"

[Gypsy Purple-Chamara]

Ditto....
Except for the living in Paris thing (for which I still envy you), I could have wtitten this post......

[tut-tut]

What a chord you've struck. I find myself looking down and wondering where my 30's figure went. But I can, through yoga practice, increase my strength and keep my joints active and supple. We all have to maintain an inner sense of ourselves, rather than the outer; and sometimes, that's damn hard.

[my backyard]

I SO agree with what you wrote. As you can see from the comments, which are also very interesting, you've really touched a chord.

[kristen]

We are walking the same line girlfriend. I hate what's happening to my metabolism since hitting the 40's and it keeps changing every damn year! I exercise, watch what I eat.....it's not enough. I like where I am in my brain, but my body.....pfft.
NY is very much the same way that Paris is. Everyone is a stick and they'll have just had their 3rd kid. I wish I had the answer....if I figure anything out that's helpful I'll share. In the meantime, for whatever it's worth, you are beautiful inside AND out and even without having 'seen' you, I know this to be true.

[chiefbiscuit]

I can SO identify with what you are saying - I was always small - petite - until mid-40s and began to grow a 'tummy' (and weight) which ever since I have been struggling to whittle. I walk, have cut down on red wine and chocolate, have smaller meal portions (eating with four males didn't help there as before I knew it I was eating as much as they were.) It has helped a little but I am thinking to myself, Does this mean that from now on I have to watch what I eat? Until I'm 80? I just can't accept my roly-poly look - I am 5' 2". Chubby, stocky, dumpy ... how I detest those definitions of me. My s-i-l called me 'roly-poly'.(I still haven't forgiven her!) Others have said, You're looking well - and I just KNOW it's a euphemism for 'rounder'. I have a goal weight I am aiming for ... but i wish i could relax and enjoy being an apple without hankering to be a pear!

[tinker]

I can so relate to this post - as I'm sure so many other readers do as well. I have been on both sides of the fence - too chubby as a child, too skinny as a teen, then hugging the fence for many years, and now slipping over it again, here in mid-life, and no matter whether I was heavy or thin or something in between, never felt quite acceptable. I look at the pictures over the years, and (comparing how I lool now, to then) thinking, "I looked so good then, why didn't I see and appreciate it then?" I've only just recently realized, in a few short years, I will probably be saying the same thing about photos of myself from right now! I'm trying to accept that I'm acceptable how I am right now - and it is liberating, though still a bit scary and hard to do.

As for those who are judging you by such inhuman standards (and what inhumane lengths do they go to, to achieve their own "chic" looks??) - I say if they are dismissive towards you - it is their loss! You are a brilliant, vibrant, accomplished and BEAUTIFUL woman, Tara - and a brave one, as well. Thank you for continuing to be so honest and open - but I hope as Ally Bean stated earlier, that you can remember that you are wonderfully, healthy, good-looking YOU and You're right about you - not those who judge you unfairly. XOXO

[Jeanne]

This is exactly the way I felt all the years I lived in Argentina. At the time I was thinner than ever before in my life, but felt enormous compared to all the teeny tiny fashion queens in Buenos Aires. When I went out to buy a dress to get married in (a small civil ceremony with a casual outfit) I couldn't find *anything* that would fit everything was a size 1 or 2 THAT's IT. It was an awful feeling.

A law was passed there a few years ago that clothing manufacturers had to offer multiple sizes in clothing which it was hoped would combat eating disorders. Can you believe it they protested! Still it was passed which I think is a huge step forward.

A good friend of mine there of Anglo Danish descent with a large frame told me of how she burst into tears the first time she came to the States and walked into a department store with myriad sizes, sizes that would fit her!

Plus no one there has the least bit of problem commenting on people's weight, or their large nose, or, or....

No matter how good I feel about myself when we go back there I always end up feeling huge in all the tiny company...Sigh.

Hugs to you I know it's hard.

[diana]

Tara, I agree with all of your friends in bloggityville.. you are so beautiful to us...so many of us in our 40s can relate to this issue of weight and size. The only remedy I have found to this is to pledge early on that I would do everything within my power to insure that my daughters would love themselves and have a better self image of themselves and their bodies than I grew up with. xoxo

[twilightspider]

I think this is (very unfortunately) a battle that will never really end for women. So much is and always has been placed on how we look - no matter what the trend is. I hate the ultra-skinny standard (which I also know well, living in Los Angeles as I do, where the camera really does add 10 pounds so even "curvy" starlets are really just a size 4), and even more hate how it forces women to feel.

You're doing the right thing by talking about it and hopefully the respose that you get (because you truly are such a beautiful person) will help you to feel your own beauty even just a little bit more.

[Donna]

As I not so gently slide into my mid-40s my body is also changing and I find it frustrating and embarrassing. All my life I have been thin, but I felt like I did not have a figure. Now I have a tiny bustline but at least I have one! My family was always telling me I was too thin, like it wasn't their genes that played a huge part. However, having said all that, I wouldn't trade my wrinkles and those extra 20 pounds if it meant I had to give back one single day of my life. I hope you have people in real life you tell you how beautiful you are!

[Mardougrrl]

That's one of the wonderful things about knowing you through words...I can say without hesitation that you are just beautiful the way you are. I feel the raw pain of this post--that feeling of not being good enough regardless of whether you bigger or smaller--people always find a way to comment and YES those comments hurt. I don't have any advice on this, I am working on being OK with this also. For a brief time before I got pregnant, I was finally at my "ideal" weight (ideal for me, which was very thin), and losing that (even though I was thrilled to be pregnant) has been difficult. I can only imagine what all that must be like in Paris! Actually, YES, I can. I worked in New York City once upon a time, a city full of the impossibly thin. And it was draining to be surrounded by it, and find a a way to say, ala Ally Bean above "I am right about me, and they are not. Period."

I am sending you so much affection...I hope you can feel that!

[Regina Clare Jane]

This is just so honest and heartfelt, Tara. I can't thank you enough for speaking your truth- and I mean that. Although I have never had a weight problem, I was never very pretty, so all my issues have to do with not being pretty enough. But I will say, getting older has helped with that tremendously- I know hubby loves me and my friends think I am beautiful inside and out.
I remember when we went to Singapore just how stick thin the girls were there- and I felt fat- and I weighed in at about 105!
Here's to us all, no matter what- for we are all of us, GODDESSES!

[Tammy]

Ok chickie poo, I'm doing a Tammy intervention here. You are a beautiful person...period! I'm sure living in Paris makes it hard but you know deep down that it's the inside that makes any weight beautiful. We should do a Dove ad butt ass naked and let it all go ;) Who loves you? moi and everyone who knows you!

[Deb L]

Oh Tara does this hit home with me... having been on both extreme sides of that "fence". "Fat phobia" seems to be one of the last acceptable means of discrimination. When I was excrutiatingly thin in my 20's and early 30's I received a lot of attention - people (read that men) always telling me how great I looked. I was also newly married and that attention became threatening and uncomfortable. When I became pregnant it was as good as an excuse as any to not only gain weight but gain way more than I should have. I felt more comfortable having that "protective layer of fat"... the attention waned and then disappeared completely. Leaving me feeling unattractive and no longer acceptable in public. I became a non-person and ignored in many sitations. Why do people do this? I am obviously no threat to them (other women) any more. But I am treated like I no longer have feelings that are easily bruised despite that layer! I take issue with the person who posted the comment about "how can someone so intelligent" be affected by body image... like the abused woman who cannot leave the abuser... we abuse ourselves. Wonderful and insightful post. THANK YOU for giving me words. Deb