Do you have similar stories?

Bound by the Vast and Fathomless by Randall LaGro, oil and mixed media on wood panel. Photo courtesy of the Blue Rain Gallery, Taos, New Mexico.

This morning I was deeply distressed when reading Judith Malokoff's article "Unspoken" in the Columbia Journalism Review. It stirred up some painful memories of being a young reporter on my own in the Middle East. Sometimes the very people assigned to protect me were those who tried to harm me. Even the simplest experience or business transaction could become fraught with tension.

So many incidents happened in which I had to fend off unwelcome advances or felt uncomfortable, I can no longer recall all of them. And not all these instances were regulated to the Middle East. Here are just a few examples of fraught moments in my professional and personal life:

In Jordan, after interviewing an army general at a desert camp, the all-male television crew and I were invited to join the general for an early dinner at a popular Chinese restaurant in Amman. The general asked if I would come to his office later that week to consider editing the English version of a geographic atlas.

Looking for protection

Arriving at his office, I noticed that everyone seemed to be out to lunch, except for a security guard. In the general's office, he appeared to be all business, showing me the atlas and explaining what changes he wanted. I agreed to edit the English version of the atlas, which was full of mistakes. The general seemed to take this as his cue and strode to the door, ostensibly to ask the guard to bring tea. Instead he locked the door and attacked me.

I started to panic, until I noticed security cameras on the wall. I picked up a heavy book from the desk on which he was forcing me down and hit him hard in the head, then ran to the door and unlocked it. The security guard was nowhere to be seen, so I kept running until I found a taxi. The general repeatedly phoned the television station asking for me, to the point that the Arabic reporters noticed something odd about his behaviour and adopted a protective stance towards me. They would make sure I was escorted home every night in the television van and was never left alone when on assignment.

At this time I lived across the street from the Egyptian Ambassador's home. Soldiers manned a machine-gun mounted on the back of a jeep from a vacant lot across the road. Whether a taxi or a television van brought me home, the guards frequently would search the vehicle. So at least I felt safe at night.

When interviewing a local businessman for a story about a multi-national development project, he invited me to look at some architectural plans in the conference room, then locked the door. I had to hit him with a flagpole to get out of the room.

I was propositioned endlessly by taxi drivers and official drivers, assigned to take me to and from interviews with government figures. If I walked down the street, men would follow in their cars and try to talk to me. After watching subtitled episodes of Baywatch and silly movies portraying women as bimbos, these men apparently considered any Western woman fair game. An English friend was taking a taxi home from a party late at night and was attacked by the driver. Luckily, her screams were heard by a neighbour before she was seriously harmed.

Even after I'd had a baby, sexual harassment continued. A young police officer -the friend of a friend - was trying to help a Filipino woman who babysat for my daughter obtain her working papers. While waiting outdoors for our mutual friend to arrive, he asked if he could have a glass of water. I should have gone upstairs, got the water and brought it outside. Instead, my Southern upbringing kicked in and I naively invited him in for the water. The minute he walked through the door, he pushed me against the wall and kissed me. It took considerable force to shove him away. I shouted at him to wait outside, shoved him out the door and locked it.

When my friend arrived, I told him the story. He was mortified and angry that the police officer had tried to take advantage. I never saw the police officer again. (And I had to fire the babysitter, after she rang up hundreds of dinars in international charges on my telephone).

Of course I soon realised it was my fault for blurring the lines of social mores. By politely smiling and inviting the guy inside the apartment for a glass of water, he took it as an invitation. All too often in the Middle East, the simplest actions can be misinterpreted.

When talking to a respected Muslim lawyer about a case against my daughter's father, I was holding my daughter, then three months old. The lawyer came around his desk and tried to kiss me. I was pinned in between him and the desk, with my baby in my lap! Surprisingly, she slept through the ordeal. And I walked out of his office, never to return.

When being driven to my office after an interview in Shemisani with a well-known Palestinian leader, the car was hit by a young Kuwaiti student, driving his flash sportscar at great speed and running a stop sign. I was on the passenger side, which bore the brunt of the impact. At the hospital, the x-ray technologist repeatedly groped my breasts in the pretext of x-raying my cracked ribs, to the point that I slapped him and cursed him in Arabic. Did I report him? No. No one would have paid any attention, particularly to a woman upset by a traffic accident.

New York days

I interviewed an European politician, who invited me to dinner. When I declined, he chased me around his hotel room in New York. A Belgian man who was the general manager of a landmark hotel asked for my help in a public relations campaign, then attacked me in his office - even though he was friends with the man I was dating! None of these men made any attempts at finesse or subtlety - they just reached out and grabbed what they wanted.

A diplomat gave me a ride home from the UN; enroute, he tried to put his hand up my skirt. I jumped out in the middle of Park Avenue traffic. The incident reminded me of my first job in New York at an advertising agency, owned by an Irish-American with a fondness for the bottle. He often returned from long liquid lunches, reeking of booze. While I was sitting at my desk, he'd come up behind me and try to grope me.

Then there's this story, which thankfully is not mine. To this day, this tale - told to me by a diplomat whom I considered a friend - fills me with revulsion. One evening the diplomat was walking to his car parked on Third Avenue and an attractive young woman ran up to him and said, "Please, can you help me? Someone is bothering me and I'm frightened." The diplomat told her to get into the car and he'd give her a lift.

The young woman was trembling, obviously anxious and fearful. As they drove uptown, she thanked him profusely, saying he'd "saved her" from a terrible fate and how could she ever repay him? The diplomat's response was to park the car in a quiet neighbourhood and insist the young woman perform oral sex! Needless to say, after hearing that man's story, we were no longer friends. The fact that he talked about it so casually, as though it was nothing, highlighted the disconnect between male and female thinking.

In the course of your career, have you experienced similar incidents of sexual harassment? Did you tell anyone in authority? Did anyone listen and take you seriously?

Comments

[sarala]

I've never been sexually harrassed or threatened in that way. It must have been horrible. I had one incident of a workplace attack but it was non-sexual and by a woman. It was plenty bad anyway. And I've been in a whistle blower position which was not fun and ended in my "quitting" my job.

[Caty]

No, I have never been on those situations, thankfully! I guess it is more common for men who are on power situations. I guess they play on the fact that they will not be accused of harassment..Did you tell anybody at the time?

[tinker]

I'm speechless - so much to say - and yet can't think how to express it all. Kudos and (((HUGS))) *friendly* ones only! to you and all of us that have fought our way out such situations. I pray for better days for our daughters or at least our daughters' daughters! And our sons! Don't these men have mothers/sisters of their own?? Can't they see the parallel? Sheesh.

[awareness]

Good on you for walloping them!! The bastards!

I'm shocked at how universal this type of assault is. My first situation was with my Math teacher in high school......same scenario, but it was afterschool when I went for extra help before an exam....he locked the classroom door, turned off the lights and tried to attack me. Luckily, I knew he had been leering at me previously (placed me at the front of the class so he could look down my top among other things....)so I had a friend with me who was just waiting outside the door....the scumbag was not fired....they simply moved him to another school.

yes, I too have had sexual harrassment incidences in my past....most predominantly while travelling through Europe. Italy, Greece and Turkey were the worst. You're right Tara, there is a sense that all N.A. women are free for the taking or something.

I haven't had many incidences occur in my work place, because most of the people I work with are women. However, there is one guy (who happens to be Lebanese) who has been known to stalk and grope others and he has never been reprimanded.

sick, sick.

[Laurie/Zinjabeelah]

Oh, yes, I have had experiences like this, too. When I was in my late twenties I worked at an international NGO in Washington DC and had to fight off the advances of my boss. When I tried to figure out what to do about it, friends and colleagues said "Blow the whistle and you'll lose your job, and if you brought a law suit, it would take a long time." So after a year I left that job.

A year or so later, when Anita Hill testified about being abused by a Supreme Court nominee, it all came back to me and I had awful dreams for about a month.

[Willow Grace]

I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes. I'm so sorry you and any woman who has to experience even one of these assaults had to go through this.

[AnnieElf]

Well, that would be "AND so it goes". Hate typos.

[AnnieElf]

Years ago before sexual harrassment was recognized, I worked in a law office. In the 70's this was all about power and one beautiful woman was subjected to a lot of it by the attorney she worked for. That she didn't leave her job says a lot about the pervasiveness of the problem. If it wasn't one place, it would be another. I ultimately was fired from my job there because I actually took the head partner at his word and complained about MY attorney's alcoholism and lack of productivity.

Then there is the story of my daughter in Tunisia back in 2005. Wonderful trip, memorable and amazing, but OH THE MEN, right down to the young boys. And God forbid that a woman protest mistreat as my friend did on the Tunisian airplane on her return to Paris. The captain took her aside at the end of the trip and when Phaa would not be still and apologize to a male passenger (for which she had nothing to aplogize FOR) he STRUCK her.

As Linda Ellerby said - "As so it goes".

[GeL (Emerald Eyes)]

Oh, Tara, hugs around you and any woman who has sufferred such.I'm shaking reading this, because I relate strongly to such (haunting) events. Even most recently, while my husband was in a hospital in a city far from home, I averted an attack by the cab driver and his "supposed cousin."

Throughout my life, from a child onward, I have far too many incidents to recount. None were "my fault." I have written about them elsewhere.

Your chilling accounts, sadly, are far too prevalent. To the commenter who mentioned she is a "plain Jane" and hasn't had that happen for that reason: You are lucky (and I hope you never suffer any subsequent abuse.) Sexual attacks, verbal or physical, are acts of violence, of power and rage. They are "beauty blind." Looks have absolutely nothing to do with their occurrence. (Tara, I am removing cultural factors in the above blanket statement.)

My own accounts would make a book, so for now
((((Tara)))).

[clockworkchris]

I am going to take a big chance here and comment. If you haven't noticed-I am a MAN! whoooo-JK. The men that do idiotic and terrible things like the ones all of the women including Tara have spoken about here are what give the impression that there is no such thing as a gentlemen left in the world. Now on the other side of things. If I try to be extremely nice to a woman online who has befriended me, is having a birthday, and actually takes the time to put up a gift list of what she wants I end up the asshole. I'm just saying it would be nice for more people to really appreciate the guys that are nice. This woman I am speaking of downed her site because I tried to buy her a gift for being such a good friend and told everyone I was a stalker. I am married for God's sake, and Newly Wed at that. I think women could help change history perhaps by just spreading the word that in the end, when the looks and smooth moves wear off, it is intelligence and love that make a man great. Tara was correct that the stereotypes people think about Western Women are terrible and need to be changed. I just think the same could be said for men or any group. As I man, I must apologize for the stupidity of most of us.

[Di Overton]

When I had the Ad Agency I had to sack a bloke for sexual harrassment and when I was pulled in by the NGA the Graphic Artist's Union at the time they told me I couldn't just do that. When I told them he was harrassing the men in the studio they told me to go ahead.
One law for them another for us. Gladly that Union has no clout anymore.
Being a woman in business has put me in situations I would rather not have been in but as long as you have a good aim with the knee it usually puts them out of action long enough to run. We shouldn't have to put up with this sort of thing but thousands of years of evolution is going to be very hard to erradicate.
The attitude of some Middle Eastern men to women is to me unacceptable and in the UK we are supposed to respect that attitude - not me pal.

[Colette]

Oh, god yes. This brought back some very unwelcome memories. I can only be thankful that I escaped being physically raped, but my fear had a kind of fury to it and I escaped every time. One time it involved a diplomat (diplomat!! talk about a misnomer) in Washington, D.C. A mutual friend was visiting me, and said diplomat eventually came by to pick her up. she expected me to invite him up, but I flatly refused. She pushed for an explanation, so I finally told her. She was my friend, she knew me well, but she didn't want to believe me, and I think she never quite made up her mind.

[dargie]

I read this and felt terribly fortunate that I've never been assaulted in this manner. Of course it could have something to do with the fact that I'm told I have a very forbidding aura and give the impression of carrying a castration knife in my purse.

Only the truly stupid have ever put their hands on me without my permission. They learn quickly how big a mistake it is. Even men who try to pick me up call me "ma'am."

[Christine]

I am so sorry about your experiences. My own are not so serious, but I have not been in the same places. While working in a hospital an Egyptian doctor, whose wife recently had a baby, flirted, caressed my waist and asked me out for coffee. I have experienced the usual on the street sexual comments and been followed by two strange looking men in a van during daytime. The last and most stressful was also while I was working at that same hospital. I was 19 and a 40 year-old union delegate and housekeeping employee kept passing sexual innuendos and just made work so stressful that I never wanted to be alone around him. After reporting it to my boss it turned into a he said/she said case and he was ready to go in front of a union panel. Luckily, this guy did not care who he said things in front of and another female employee and a doctor threatened him they were willing to testify for me. In revenge, he had other union friends in our department who told lies about me to other staff. I am blatantly feminist so I think some guys just stay away. The worst story I ever heard was from my best friend's grandmother. In the 1960s NYC a coworker of hers had a guy relieve himself sexually up against her in a crowded subway.

[Amber]

This post made me think of many things. Mostly, anger at the FACT that not enough people understand how women are really thought of and treated in this world. So many things happened to you, one woman...And people doubt that one in three women will be/is raped in her lifetime! People act as if those of us who make noise about it are some kind of FemNatzi freaks. They Just. Don't. Get. It.

Women all over the world are treated like objects. It has always been so. And sometimes I feel like, even it it is not socially acceptable in some places, it lingers just under the surface. Perhaps this is why you also had trouble with Western men. They were in a place, and in positions of power where it was not as shamed to act on their wants.

The attitude about women is my main issue with Islam. I think it is dangerous to our whole world, for these ideas to spread in the name of religion. Nothing good can come to the world when women are trampled on. We ARE the world's humanity. We are the mothers, the strength, and the glue.

I also thought abotu how stupidly dangerous our media is to our image! Bay Watch. Fucking A. Jeeze. I am not kidding. It makes me nuts. And what can we do about it? We don't take it seriously, that our MAIN ambassadors to the rest of the world are people IN HOLLYWOOD!? Really? Really, that is okay? Because these people are SO in touch with main-stream America? It's a laugh! So then the whole world gets an idea about us-- and they do!-- that is totally not who MOST of us are. It is not our government, no matter how lame, that has done us the most hard. It is the longterm effect that our media has had in telling the world that we are a bunch of faithless, slutty, shallow, rich, voids.

What do we do about that?

Grr. :/

[Tammy]

I think men like that should be punished and they exist in every corner of the world. Being a journalist gave you a look at the disrespect of women in many countries. You were very brave and a fellow woman warrior. BIG TAMMY HUGS

I was talked down to and sexually harassed in every job I ever had and never said a word. I fought back in every other way but always kept my job and integrity. I'm sure that it is still happening everywhere.

XXOO

[lacithecat]

Oh man. This is horrible. Tara I feel for you and I know my words go such a short way to make any difference.

Sadly I have my own list too. Worrisome - and I really hate to make such generalization - the worse cases have all been middle eastern men. I am shocked at that because I really don't want to point a finger at a certain group, but alas - its true.

The worse case has to be when I lived in Maide Vale in a garden flat that you had to enter from stairs down from the street level. It was a sunny day and I had just gone to the supermarket so my hands were full. I manouvered the stairs, put my bags down and started going through my handbag for my keys when I realized that someone was directly behind me. He pushed me against the door and I screamed as he ... well you can imagine. Luckily my old Chinese neighbour (a battle axe of a woman) had her window open above and came rushing out. he panicked before getting luckily too far and while struggling up the steep stairs - I hit him with a big pot of plants in the head. I just remember how he suddenly looked so defenseless as the blood streamed down his face.

And of course weekly I have obscene slurs made by the guys around the mosque (regardless what I am wearing) and have on numourous occassions been touched by them inapproprately. Fab?! I love my neighborhood, but that is one part I really try to avoid as I get pretty pissed off ... and I can be a bit of a firecracker, so someday I may just do something.

But your stories are so much worse and repeated! I don't think I could have handled that. Actually I am sure I would have just left the region. I am so sorry.

[pam aries]

OH MY GOSH! THat is awful! I know Middle Eastern men think of women as 'nothings'. I cannot imagine how it must have felt to be in such a position! Ghastly! I am so sorry you had to go through something that horrendous! I'm lucky something of that nature never happened to me. Many of my friends have gone through similiar attacks and beyond.

[ally bean]

Put me on antipodeesse's short list. No one has ever sexually harrassed or assaulted me. There are advantages of being a "plain jane."

[chocolate covered musings]

i had one of my lecturers fired when i was in my first year of polytech. i was 17 years old and he asked me to wait after everyone else had left the class, then he grabbed me and dragged me a part of the room that wasn't visible through the window in the door and kissed me so hard it hurt. i could feel the swelling in his pants. i remember promising him 'something' (but don't remember what) just to get me out of the class. i was lucky there was a friend from class outside waiting for me who was much older than me and saw my distress. she took me straight to the office and filed a complaint. he'd been following me and hanging around me for weeks beforehand. he was asked to write me a letter of apology and was fired from the polytech. i never did go back and finish my study! there have been other instances, but that is one that i remember where i had help and something was done. probably if my friend hadn't been there, i wouldn't have said anything - too afraid that no-one would believe me.

[Artzyjudie]

Ah Tara, I am so sorry for you to have gone through that harrassment. I know how it feels. It's hurtful and stressful. Yes, I too have "been there done that". An ex-boss who locked the door and tried to show me pictures of Playboy centerfolds (pleeeeze, get original), a tv repairman who attacked me in my apartment and fortunately the phone rang and it put him off guard so I could scream and run out (I went to court with this dude, he was from Sears), and others I won't even bother to give credit to. Even one of my daughters had to go through a rape case, and that guy spent two years in prison. Not nearly enough time. And of course there is the "cheating husband" too. I don't understand men. Many of them have their brains in their ...um...you know, and it isn't near their head. A girl cannot be friendly without it being taken as a come-on. And if a girl doesn't smile and be friendly, she's a "prude" or a "dork". Can't win for losing. I do have to say I have finally found a wonderful man (DH) who is true and has MORALS! There ARE some! It's a good thing, as Martha would say.

[antipodeesse]

My heart sank to my boots as I read this Tara. I think you should ask "How many women have NOT been assaulted?" The list will probably be quite short!

From my own past:

- an ANCIENT resident (and war hero!) of a rest home where I washed dishes on the weekends when I was just 14;
- 4 young men got into my compartment on a train travelling from East Germany back to Berlin in the early 80s, wanted me to share my sandwiches, started groping me when I refused;
- my "respectable" boss in an office job;
- the porter/steward chap showing me to my sleeping cabin on a train in Yugoslavia. He lent me a book to read and expected a reward;
- a waiter who bought soup to my hotel room when I fell ill in Egypt;
- various students during my year in Halls of Residence;
- the list goes on, but my experiences are in fact extremely tame compared to yours and many others, no doubt.