This overhead light in a London cafe is bigger than a hula hoop. Sitting at the cafe earlier this week, I wanted to be anywhere with a hula hoop, rather than dreading surgery later that afternoon. After a tense day - with my husband trying to distract me by running errands and going to a bookshop to buy a friend's new book - we arrived at the hospital in Chelsea. I expressed my concerns to the doctor, who examined me, then recommended we postpone the surgery. He performed a biopsy to determine if the pre-cancerous area (identified in December) may have spread. So we're awaiting lab results to reschedule my third surgery in four years, trying to keep "pre" from turning into cancer. The key is vigilance, so schedule regular checkups with your gynecologist, ladies!
Sorry to disappoint, but I took only four photos the entire trip. The Moulin Rouge-inspired lamp was in a hardware store window on High Street Kensington. The photo below is at the Eurostar terminal at St. Pancras Station, with the sign upside down - a bit like my week has been!
On the train home, I read Elizabeth Berg's The Pull of the Moon, which is about Nan, a 50ish woman taking a road trip, while trying to make sense of her life. Every day she writes letters to her husband. Some of the character's observations ring true for many women:
"It is a case of you (men) feeling that you deserve things; that they are there for you and it is something women seem to struggle with, almost without exception and I don't know why. I don't know where your sense of entitlement comes from. Well, yes I do. It comes from the way you were raised, from everyone telling you, one way or another, that yours is the earth to inherit. That's true... and you know it...I'm not angry. I'm just wondering and wondering and wondering. All our lives we hand it over... Well maybe I am a little angry. But it's not at you. It's more of a class action suit type thing."
That "class action" idea made me smile. Then Nan buys all the fixings for a huge turkey dinner, only to get to her rented cottage and discover the turkey won't fit in the oven. For a moment, she feels sorry for herself. Then she goes elsewhere and buys food that "tasted wonderful and it occurred to me that that's what I wanted in the first place, I was just too shy to tell myself and so the universe had to sigh and shake its head and help me out, which it always will do, provided we let it. This is something I have such a hard time remembering how to believe."
And another passage: "...When you learn to turn from the mirror, when you look up from your hands, you have a chance to see a garden truly, because you are not in your own way."
Meanwhile, seated opposite me on the train is a slender, elegant woman, maybe ten years younger than I. I have brought white chocolate chip cookies, which taste homemade. David had breakfast, but I hadn't eaten, as we had been busy checking out of the hotel, getting the tube to the train, etc. Of course, the woman starts eating a banana - no fattening cookies for her. I console myself that though she may have chosen fruit over a cookie, her skin looks considerably older than mine. As we approach Paris, she goes to the train's snack bar and returns with a huge bag of junk food, which she devours! Memo to self: Give up cookies and pre-conceived notions.
oh dear. sending positive thoughts and vibes your way...
Posted by: maitresse | 02 March 2008 at 12:16
I think we should all assume we're entitled to good things. It's not a PROBLEM that men assume they are -- it's a PROBLEM that women think they're NOT.
I do hope the medical outcomes are only the very best, and will include you in my prayers (is that OK?).
Posted by: Ann | 01 March 2008 at 06:35
I hope you're settled home and pray the news is good.
Thinking about the E. Berg quote:
I was with a male friend once and saw a parking place right in front of the restaurant we were going to. I took it, but mentioned that I felt like it was probably meant for somebody else, and not for me. He laughed and said that whenever he found parking places like that, he assumed they were waiting just for him!
You mean you *didn't* buy the lamp?! xo
Posted by: Laura Benedict | 26 February 2008 at 03:17
Hope you are all right Tara...take care! hugs.
Posted by: Bhavna | 24 February 2008 at 15:06
I'm sorry your trip to London was not a time for relaxation and enjoyment. I'm keeping you close in thought as you deal with this situation :)
I always enjoy reading Elizabeth Berg's books. I remember her columns from the days when she was editor of Parents magazine ( I believe that was the one). I don't think I've read the one you mentioned, so I'll be on the lookout for it.
Posted by: Becca | 23 February 2008 at 23:03
Hi found you over on passementeries-diary.com...Hope you don;t have to wait too long ...must be a stressful time for you. You will be in my prayers.
Posted by: anne | 23 February 2008 at 16:44
Apparently the young woman on the train was envious of you and your cookies - her banana probably didn't seem nearly as tasty once she saw them, since she couldn't wait to get some goodies of her own. The grass is always greener on the other side...
Yes, to be 'anywhere with a hula hoop,' definitely sounds preferable to where you've been, dear Tara! I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much with this - and I pray that you and the doctors continue to keep this at bay - far far away from you. What a sweetie your husband sounds, trying to support you with pleasant distractions.
The lamp in that last photo, reminds me of the one in a 'Christmas Story' - how funny to find that bit of American kitsch in England.
Sending you many, many well wishes and ((hugs))~bisous~XOXO
Posted by: tinker | 23 February 2008 at 12:56
Dear Tara,
Positive thoughts and crazy lady vibes from me to you!
Helen
xxx
Posted by: Antipodéesse | 23 February 2008 at 09:43
you believe in positive thinking, right?
I am with you in this hard time...
Posted by: ewa | 23 February 2008 at 09:27
Ohhh, an American in Paris who writes! Lucky you! I will be back.
Posted by: meredith | 23 February 2008 at 05:27
Dear Tara...I am thinking of you...Everything will be A OKAY. I just know it!
Posted by: Pam Aries | 23 February 2008 at 03:51
I love that last line! You are now an enligtened woman ! But..NEVER give up cookies! The book you are reading sounds good. ...WEll it's off to bed for me. Tomorrow night I'll be sleeping under the stars.
Posted by: Pam Aries | 23 February 2008 at 03:49
Tara,
Quite a good post for someone that has much on her mind. I will think good thoughts for you this weekend. -Karen
Posted by: karen cole | 23 February 2008 at 01:57
That book looks fascinating I must buy it and what can I say about the signage at St Pancras - only in England!
Hope you are back in Paris safe and sound. Feet up and have a restful weekend
xo
Posted by: Di Overton | 22 February 2008 at 23:17
I'm glad you are still 'pre' and hope it stays that way. . .forever. I used to be a bit in awe and surprise and maybe some anger over men's entitlement, but then I realized it is how they are hard wired. We are not. We deserve more than we get, for sure, but too often we don't expect it. I've learned to expect a bit more. I get it.
Posted by: Mary T. | 22 February 2008 at 22:25
Welcome back, Tara. Yes, vigilance is the key. It's a pain in the a**, but better safe than sorry. I love the sound of that book. xoxo
Posted by: Colette | 22 February 2008 at 19:51
Good vibes are coming your way from me, too. I've been in the biopsy/uncertainty position. It's so worrying but you said the right word -- vigilance. I will visualize a beautiful pink cloud hovering over you filled with good news. (And by the way, you may not have taken many photos, but they are fun! Especially the hula hoop-sized lamp!)
Posted by: Jeanie | 22 February 2008 at 18:47
So - keeping you on my thoughts and prayers list Tara.
That photo is a riot. I first noticed the gray wrap. I'm wearing one like it today. Then I started trying to figure out the sign and realized it was upsidedown. Made me laugh.
Posted by: annieelf | 22 February 2008 at 17:56
Tara,
I hope you hear good news from the doctor very soon.
Posted by: tangobaby | 22 February 2008 at 17:50
How very stressful to be going through all these surgeries, I do think it helps to share because you know we are all thinking good thoughts for you.
Love Elizabeth Berg...have not read this one. It's so true about men! Little story:
My husband used to travel a lot and I traveled a bit too with my work. When he left for a trip it was...by! and out the door. When I left for a trip I had to shop, make sure there was enough food in the house, make all arrangements for Tess to get to and from all activities, have all the bills or whatever household things stamped and ready with instructions.
What are ya gonna do!
Posted by: stephanie | 22 February 2008 at 16:39
I loved that Elizabeth Berg novel (I've read all her books)! I am sending you healing thoughts and much love -- I have been down this road with cancer as you know -- so my heart is with you and if surgery means you keep cancer at the "pre" stage and it goes no further -- then surgery is what you do. Sending you my prayers Tara.
Posted by: Sherry | 22 February 2008 at 16:39
Tara-hope the doctor has good news from the biopsy and you feel better very soon.
Posted by: martina | 22 February 2008 at 16:36
I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through and wish you strength and support. I'm also rather amazed to hear because you've managed to think of us and keep us entertained during what's obviously a tough time. Take care.
Posted by: materfamilias | 22 February 2008 at 16:13
"I wanted to be anywhere with a hula hoop"...I'll remember this line. Thanks for the honest and revealing post (and your blog in general).
Posted by: amy | 22 February 2008 at 15:26