Party barge, Egmond aan Zee, the Netherlands. Click photo to view detail.
My dear friend from college left Wednesday, after spending two weeks here. And David and I would have been happy if she decided to stay even longer, because she was the best guest ever! The secret? We gave each other space and she didn't expect to be entertained/doted upon 24/7. She was extremely thoughtful and respectful of our time. Plus she happens to be an intelligent, interesting woman, who's very engaging and curious about her surroundings.
One of the things we talked about is key attributes both for being a gracious host and a good house guest. Both of us grew up in the South, where manners are important. I told her about the tongue-in-cheek article Weekends only I'd written, after a particularly difficult guest came to stay.
The thing about being an expat living in Europe is that you have a never-ending stream of visitors. Over the years we have had many many guests, who were an absolute pleasure to host. But after a few unpleasant experiences with clueless individuals who took advantage of us - including those indicated below - we grew weary of acting as an unpaid bed-and-breakfast and started saying "No!" to other than the occasional good friends, experienced travelers or family.
Over-staying your welcome
In Paris, I lost count of how many guests came to stay, not all of them welcome. Two days after I'd returned from Nepal, a long-time friend arrived, supposedly for three days. She announced she had no money or credit cards, then changed her flight to stay even longer! She planned to take a train to Strasbourg to see a man who was playing mind games with her. But she didn't believe me when I said she needed advance reservations for a Thalys train; insisting she could just hop on any train at any time. And the man-in-question kept toying with her and ignoring her messages. So she stayed with us for eight days, obsessively dithering over the not-worth-her-time loser. Consequently, we had no choice but to finance her stay.
I practically had to force her to leave by phoning a taxi to take her to the airport, as later that day David and I were going by train to Amsterdam. My friend later sent a series of emails and tweets from Jerusalem, suggesting I was the "hostess from hell" and berating me for not letting her remain in our apartment while we traveled.
A woman I knew casually (we'd never even had lunch together) via my office in San Francisco came to see us in London, en route to France. She'd purportedly lined up odd jobs in various towns and planned to work her way to Italy. She asked if she could leave luggage containing camping equipment behind, saying she'd send for it shortly. After a few days, she abandoned her plans and returned to the US. And we had to move the bag with us to Paris. It stayed in our cave (wine cellar) for three years, before I insisted she retrieve it. In the interim she came to Paris twice and failed to contact us.
An American lawyer from my Spanish course in Seville showed up - ostensibly for three days while she spent time with a French guy from our class - only to cancel her planned trip to Ireland and stay an entire week. Oddly, she met the French guy only once for tea. Guess any notion of romance proved a figment of her imagination. She then had dinner with us every night. When we took her to an elegant restaurant, she didn't offer even to pay for the wine. Basically she had an eight-day holiday in Paris at our expense!
If you never want to be invited back, these schemes are foolproof:
Have your hosts make dinner reservations for a Saturday night (essential in a city like Paris). Your hosts will get dressed up to go out, but you don't turn up in time to make the reservation. This forces the hosts to cancel reservations, rush to the supermarket 30 minutes before it closes and cook dinner. But you're on holiday, so everyone else can accommodate your changing whims.
Come to an elegantly-set table in your bare feet, even though your hosts are dressed for the occasion.
Start eating before everyone at the table has been served.
Ask if you should tell an off-colour story at dinner and when told no, do it anyway, (leaving everyone with unpleasant images lingering in their minds).
Drink too much, talk loudly and constantly ask for your glass to be refilled. You're on vacation, so it doesn't matter how much you drink!
Dip your French baguette in your wine glass (!) and drop wine on the vintage linen tablecloth, creating huge stains. No doubt your hosts will laugh all the way to the drycleaner!
Ask for seconds of the main course, then, after the cheese course and dessert, ask if there's more food.
Cut the rinds off your cheese and arrange them on the cheese tray, rather than on your own plate. So creative!
Offer to help with the dishes, then bring two plates to the kitchen and leave the others for the hostess to clear and wash and dry by hand. She loves waiting on you!
Try to converse with the hostess when she is washing dishes, etc. At this point, chances are she has nothing polite to say to you.
Shout from one room to the next and expect your hostess to 1) hear you and 2) respond, while she is hand-washing and drying crystal glasses.
After a long, hot day walking around the city, take your shoes and stinky socks off and leave them under the coffee table. Put your dirty feet on a French linen-covered chair that's 170 years old. Another visit to the drycleaner or possibly the upholsterer?
Eat greasy potato chips while sitting in the same antique chair (see above).
Set your steaming mug of coffee on the 1940s glass coffee table, ignoring the coasters there for that purpose.
After you have had your shower, hog the bathroom putting on makeup, while others wait their turn. Ignore the perfectly nice mirrors in your room.
Arrive with four suitcases for a six-day stay, but forget an important prescription medication. Wring your hands with worry, but refuse to see a local doctor. You seem so anxious that your hostess asks a French pharmacist if they have a mood-stabilizer like the one you were prescribed in the US. In French, she begs the pharmacist to give you the drug; otherwise she'll be obliged to book you into a hotel.
Expect your hosts to drive you to and from the airport and to various towns and tourist attractions - places they wouldn't be going if not for you - but don't offer to purchase petrol.
Insist you're getting up early to run, then go back to sleep after the wake-up knock on your door. Expect your hosts to change their plans to accommodate your revised schedule. It's all good!
Leave your bed unmade and messy, wet towels on the floor and the door open while you're away during the day.
Leave the lights on in every room you depart; European electricity is very expensive, but your hosts are paying, so no worries.
Constantly mutter to yourself as you move around the apartment. Fun!
Spend time on your hosts' computers writing email, but repeatedly complain about the unfamiliar keyboard.
Don't bother to close the door behind you when entering or departing the apartment! That's what a burglar alarm is for, right?
When your hostess escorts you down the metro stairs to buy tickets and show you which train to take, don't offer to carry her heavy cart filled with groceries up or down the stairs. And especially don't offer to reimburse her for the tickets she just purchased for you!
When your hosts are meeting you at the airport and ask you to wait at a specific spot, don't stay there! Wander around while your hosts spend 45 minutes trying to find you (even better if you don't have a phone).
When your hosts ask you NOT to mail a package to them, ignore them! Never mind that they'll have to pay 19 percent tax upon arrival of your belated "hostess gift." (Either bring a hostess gift with you or not. Despite your good intentions, if you must send something after the fact, make it flowers, which won't require paying tax upon arrival).
When your hosts suggest you make event reservations in advance of your trip, pay no attention. Your hosts will be thrilled to help you book last-minute tickets online, while you fret about event times and miniscule price differences of said tickets.
Talk incessantly and/or constantly boast about yourself. After all, could there be a more fascinating topic of conversation??!!
Repeat the same story over and over and expect your hosts to laugh every time.
Take one of your host's stories and over the course of a few days, repeatedly attempt to make a feeble joke about it, even though the story has nothing to do with you.
Talk "at" the chef and distract him while he is preparing dinner, even when it's clear he'd prefer to be left alone while juggling tricky timing of various dishes.
Interfere with your hosts' personal belongings. Make yourself at home! Because it's the last time you'll be invited.
Have you had some unusual experiences with guests in your home? Do tell!
Irina, I wouldn't like hosting such guests either! It just astonishes me how thoughtless people can be at times. I hope in future those people stay in a hotel!
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 16 June 2012 at 10:17
How about chain smoking on the loggia while its door to the living room is wide open in summer. Never asking if I need any help preparing dinner for 7 people, same with doing dishes. Just a "thank you", push you chair out and back to smoking on the loggia. I could not wait when they leave.
Posted by: Irina | 16 June 2012 at 07:05
Hi Jeanie - No worries! The post is a compilation of incidents with many guests over a long period. And no tests involved! :)
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 14 June 2012 at 01:38
Oh, dear, Tara. I hope we didn't flunk too many things. I hope we made up for petrol with groceries and talking with the chef while he was preparing dinner... and we did get lost or confused at the train station... Now I'm really worried...
Posted by: jeanie | 13 June 2012 at 21:56
Allegra, we have plenty of room for guests in this house (more so than Paris). But these days we are more selective in the ones we invite and the ones we refer to a hotel. :) And we learn something from all of them. Like you and B, D and I prefer staying at a B&B or hotel when we travel; it's very rare that we stay at someone's house.
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 12 June 2012 at 14:22
Gillian, no complaints about my traveling companions - at least not you! :)
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 12 June 2012 at 14:14
Thankfully no, Charles. :) Chair in question is one of two Napoleon III armchairs.
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 12 June 2012 at 14:13
Oh please tell me the offensive feet and greasy crisps were not on "my" French linen-covered chair!!!
Posted by: Charles Robert Baker | 12 June 2012 at 13:38
Love, we solved the problem by turning our guest bedroom into our "little library". We had some nice guests, but some like yours, who come not only with "luggage" but with a big suitcase filled with entitlement that allows them to believe that the host and hostess should be grateful for having them, and to behave accordingly.
Now when someone inquires about staying with us we promptly send a photo of the converted room and that ends there. Like you, I was brought up in a family always reminding us that "good manners are the backbone of civilization" according to Mother, and I subscribe whole heart and soul to that edict. I love to visit others - we always stay at a hotel or B&B - and that way we preserve our sanity and theirs.
A toast to good guest who know what hospitality means and do not abuse it.
Posted by: Allegra S. | 10 June 2012 at 20:03
Oh Tara, when I stop laughing I'll think of a proper comment!
I can hear your sarcasm..."uh...hello, manners?"
xoxo
p.s. what about travel companions? any words of warning about them??? a second post! come on!!! xo lol
Posted by: gillian | 10 June 2012 at 19:24
Igor, having a small apartment can be a blessing. As you know, not much room for guests, unless it's someone with whom you are very familiar. :)
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:57
Carina, it has been my experience that with guests you never know what might happen next - particularly when an unknown factor (such as a partner) is introduced. Never a dull moment!
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:55
Dearest Vanessa, I love your Killer Dog excuse! Yes, sometimes saying No is the kindest thing for all concerned. xx
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:54
Dear HCH, that really takes the cake! Haven't had any guests like that, luckily! Although I have had guests get chips at the grocery store and start eating them while standing in line to pay - something that just isn't done in France!
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:51
Lisa, good point. Thankfully I haven't had any one I met at a cocktail party as a guest, but have had friends bring their partners (whom I didn't know). Interesting times! :)
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:48
Mary H, it is odd - and sometimes amusing - that so many people seem oblivious to their impact on others!
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:45
Ally, I can see why you never invited them back! Strange reactions to your lifestyle. Jealousy, perhaps?
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:41
Very much so, Tony!
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 09 June 2012 at 18:40
Hee hee, sounds like you are speaking from experience!!
Posted by: Tony Geotog | 09 June 2012 at 17:20
Hilarious! Our house near the beach in So California has had many visitors over the years, though we've never had these guests, some have stayed longer than we'd prefer, as our house is small and privacy is minimal.
I'm leaving for Italy on Monday and will be sure NOT to be this guest at my friends home, as she'll be here in August to return the favor!
Posted by: Carole Mayne | 09 June 2012 at 16:34
To even suggest some of the antics you have described makes me cringe. I am shaking my head in disbelief at the extent people will go to when taking advantage of other people's kindness. I also find it humorous the same people are probably too dense to realize that their behavior makes great material for one of your posts and/or articles.
Posted by: Mary H. | 09 June 2012 at 15:03
And let me just also add that learning to say "no" and setting boundaries is probably the most important life skill we can adopt if we want to (a) fend off those would be selfish and take advantage of our generosity and good nature (house guests or otherwise) and (b) have peace of mind in life. Bravo to you and to others who have learned (even the hard way) what a freeing thing it is to say "no" and not feel guilty about it. It's one thing to want to show visiting friends and family a good time when they're in town -- for them, most of us happily go out of our way; it's quite another to feel you "should" play hostess for every Tom, Dick and Harriet who met you briefly at a cocktail party in 1987 and now finds you're living in a great city THEY want to visit. Those people can just get themselves a hotel room, right?
Posted by: Lisa, a.k.a. The Bold Soul | 09 June 2012 at 14:43
I loved this post. So far we've been very lucky with all our guests and have none of these losers staying with us; those who have come to visit me from the States have all been perfect guests, and those close friends and family who visit from within France are also the perfect guests, even though they are family. I just don't understand how some of your bad guests could think even for one second of taking advantage of you that way, but people really ARE entirely clueless (or selfish) sometimes.
And I would have dumped that woman's camping equipment on the curb instead of moving it to Paris, and tant pis for her! :)
Did you ever see the BBC miniseries version of Peter Mayle's "A Year in Provence" when all sorts of guests show up in July all at the same time, and then some "friend of a friend of a friend" shows up and simply won't leave? Mayle and his wife go to some funny and extreme lengths to get rid of them all. You should watch it if you haven't seen it already.
Posted by: Lisa, a.k.a. The Bold Soul | 09 June 2012 at 14:34
OH. My. Gooooodnesssss!
I had to laugh and smile and laugh again - so so well written, as always!
I can not believe you have gone through such things.
How incredibly horrible.
Some people just floor me. They are so rude and jaw droppingly outrageous in their manners, and not in a good way.
I am so glad you began to finally say no.
I have been implementing my "no" in many different facets of my life, after being trampled and treated badly.
It's working for me.
And, isn't that what matters most really? You, your home, your loved ones?
I can't have guests because there is not enough room, but also because Matty would kill them and I would be sued.
:)
"Can I come stay with you?"
"I have a vicious killer dog."
"Oh, never mind."
It works, and it's true. Bonus, haha!
tee hee ;)
xoxo
Love, V
ps: Have to re-read this and share it, just brilliant! It would make a perfect book!
Posted by: Vanessa {A Fanciful Twist} | 09 June 2012 at 01:29
Okay how about the one where the guy goes to the fish & chip shop (this is England) about 5 mins before you're about to serve dinner and brings chips back for himself - wait for it - because you (ie. I) don't ever serve him enough food!
Posted by: horse care courses | 08 June 2012 at 23:05
Bravo for this.
It made me feel like we've been sharing house guests, though I'm yet to have someone arrange the cheese rinds on the serving plate!!
As I'm here for the long term, I'm guessing there is a possibility it may still happen.
Posted by: carina | 08 June 2012 at 21:35
Hi Marilyn! You and Jim were only there for dinner and were wonderful guests! :) That is strange about the parents not saying anything about their rude little boy. It seems good manners are in short supply these days.
Posted by: Tara Bradford | 08 June 2012 at 21:03
Oh dear! We don't have overnight guests often because we don't have room for them. I hope we were OK guests when we visited. I can't imagine rude guests such as you described, how terrible. On the other hand how lovely to have had a guest you would have wanted to stay longer. That, I think, is rare and a special gift. I did have a 10 year old boy once come to a special Christmas dinner and tell me he didn't want to be there; so I told him he didn't need to come again. His parents sat there and didn't say a thing.
Posted by: Marilyn | 08 June 2012 at 20:48
Oh my, Tara, I must admit I had to laugh all the way through this list but I know - we had this conversation on Twitter earlier, right? Guests from hell...something I am dreading. Luckily, I haven't had guests from hell so far - probably because I've always lived in rather small apartments:-)
Posted by: Igor | 08 June 2012 at 20:02
The only peculiar guests that we've had were a couple that were convinced that everything in our home-- food, fresh flowers, plates, wine glasses, sofa pillows, wall art, sheets, towels [et cetera, et cetera]-- was done to try and impress them.
We were living just as we always did, but they wouldn't believe us. They KNEW that we were just showing off for them-- and made a point of bringing this idea up all the time. Not surprisingly, we've never invited them back!
Posted by: Ally Bean | 08 June 2012 at 19:02