The truth. And so be it.

Long before I was a photographer, I was a writer. Lately I've hesitated to write, as I couldn't report the "truth" you might expect to hear. Consequently, other than the photos, this blog has begun to feel stale and uninteresting to me. Because I'm not the same person I was back in 2006 in Paris, when I began writing Paris Parfait.

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” - Heraclitus

I have lovely and loyal friends of all ages, who at any given moment are going through momentous changes/disruptions in their lives. Many of them are accomplishing amazing feats on a regular basis, while juggling children and a family life. Others are completely on their own, experiencing similar situations and challenges I faced years ago as a single mom.

While I relish each and every story and admire my friends' tremendous style and bravery and emphasize with their struggles, I am at a different place in my life. I have moved on from worrying about what's fashionable to determining what fits. In case you've noticed a lack of blogging here lately: I am trying to honour my creative impulses and produce work to withstand the test of time, rather than that easily discarded with the vagaries of fashion or the next generation of social media platforms.

But I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The last year-and-a-half of my husband's serious health woes have taken their toll. At home I lounge about in the softest cottons, feeling fragile and vulnerable - while perversely trying to project an image of confidence and capability to the outside world. 

Standing on my balcony, I see a girl in a rowboat, jumping out and climbing the nearest tall tree, Tom Sawyer-like. And I try to remember what it was like to be nine years old and fearless. Then I remind myself that many, many times in my life I've been fearless and even fierce, out of necessity.

I raised my daughter while living and working as a journalist in the Middle East, amidst cultural differences. When I took my daughter to pre-school, I was the only single mom. Most local women eyed me with a mixture of pity and suspicion: pity for my single status; suspicion that as a "wicked Western woman" I might try to steal their husbands!

For years, I bore responsibility for Every.Single.Thing. It was exhausting then and perhaps even more so now, with my husband's illness coupled with my own adjustments to middle age. As nearly every woman in her '50s can attest, it appears that society ironically conspires to ignore us at a time we actually have more to offer. If stress has resulted in a few grey hairs or extra pounds, we might as well be invisible.

In 2014, if women are not virtually flawless in appearance, any talents or ideas we may offer are considered negligible. The advertising-driven media reinforces this false narrative over and over, until we start to question our own worth.

On an intellectual level, I find these impossible standards and stereotypes appalling. But I am a perfectionist who is so very far from perfect (much to my dismay). And on an emotional level, I struggle with the idea of not living up to others' expectations - even if those expectations are ridiculous! All too often I've viewed each new grey hair; each stress-fueled pound with alarm - as though I've done something dreadful and should be ashamed of myself!

To counter these absurd and self-defeating thoughts, I try to focus on the positive and what I can control. Lately I am obsessed with editing: of ridding my house of unnecessary things that no longer appeal to my tastes or aesthetics. In a similar vein, I've bid farewell to certain self-interested friends, who have been quite happy to take, but never to give.

I am trying to listen more and speak less. The older I get and the more knowledge I gain, the more I realise how little we know for certain. Most of us are just winging it and hoping for the best.

"Maybe what you think is a breakdown is really a breakthrough." - Jen Lemen 

Some days I prefer to cocoon and not see another soul. It's not that I'm anti-social; I just don't want my already-busy friends subjected to minutiae of the struggles I'm facing. And we creative types need a lot of time alone, even in the best of circumstances.

But I am tired of pretending everything's fine, when it's not. I'm tired of doctors not listening, when I clearly enunciate my well-researched concerns. I'm tired of being dismissed by hapless bureaucrats, who refuse to consider that their methods are clumsy and outdated.

I'm tired of not being heard; of not being seen. Maybe in the past couple of years, I've relied on photography more than writing, because it allows you to glimpse meaning for which I can't find the words.

I don't know the way forward. I'm trying to follow my mom's (and my friend Di's) advice to "take it one day at a time." But I do know that whatever happens next, this blog will be different. I want to tell the truth in all its raw pain and glory; not simply gloss over hard lessons. I don't want to limit your view to "pretty pictures," (as a couple of incurious readers requested during the last US presidential election).

I hope you'll come along for the journey, no matter how rocky the road.

 

Photo of artwork by my adventurous friend Christine Mason Miller and antique English ink bottles, vintage marbles and stones collected on my travels. Click to view detail.

Comments

[Linda Sullivan]

Same here! Have been following a few years now, you are glam, sophisticated, worldly and have excellent politics. Write what and when ever❤

[Ally Bean]

I'm happy to see you back to blogging. I agree that now that I can tell it like it is with confidence, no one is willing to listen. Of course, that doesn't stop me from saying the truth, it just makes me laugh at fate. Will be fascinated to see where your thoughts take you. Welcome back, my friend.

[Jeanne]

Your words are captivating and deeply touched my heart.
Much love and many blessings

Love Jeanne♥

[marja]

Tara I've always looked at you as an amazing woman. Creative,intelligent, inspirational, full of talent, courages.
That won't change because of a grey hair or an extra pound.
It looks like you are making the right choices and I can relate to lots. Hang in there, and it is ok to tell the truth :)

[Jo]

Bring it on Tara. I will still be here with you.

[Maureen]

Tara, I'm sorry for the challenges you've been facing, and wish there were some quick fix. All I can really tell you is that you're not alone. I often feel the desire to be alone, safely ensconced at home in my comfie cottons. I've also recently been trying to figure out what I want my blog to become to make it more real and true. Just know that I am thinking of you & will continue to read & support.

[Mary H.]

You are preaching to the choir, Tara! Just try to get rid of us!
You will always be a leader and an educator. It is your gift.
Thank you.

[Carole Mayne]

Thank you for sharing your vulnerable self..it resonates with so many women, myself included.
Acceptance, honor, and love for ourselves by our OWN evaluation is
so key. We've been great at loving and taking care of others' and now it's TIME to deeply love ourselves and feel the flow of LIFE that is changing us, allowing us to expand across the Universe.

Blessings and love to you, from my cozy bathrobe, flip flops, and a cup of coffee. May we walk in Beauty and Light.
xoxo Carole

[Kathy]

OMG..I wish I had known you 7 years ago. What strength !! I am no longer reflecting "back" but looking forward. I finally started to purge many things in life. It feels wonderful!!
Concentrating on creativity because I need it and shedding trying to please others!!
I love my age...I earned !!
Keep writing Tara....take care of "you"

[Raquel]

Yes, I hear you--and I'm coming along; don't leave without me. I too am in my early 50s and it's amazing to me how so much changed when that calendar page turned. I have many observations about this phase of life I've entered, and what society seems to think about that. I look forward to hearing you tell it like it is! And it's interesting to hear you say that you are editing--I'm purging. 2014 is the year of DeClutter in my home.

[Marilyn]

Your words do touch me and you can count on me to here listening with you. It does seem as we get older at time we are invisible, not listened to, want to thin our belongings and reinvent, plus not feel guilty for the added pounds and grey hairs. And above all else, be real, not saying we are fine when we are not. I know all of those, though our journeys are different. As older women, especially creative older women we still want to be heard and have something to offer. So I will be there, you can count on me, dear friend!

On a silly note, I carry a baseball cap in my car and when I think another driver is judging me for my old lady driving, which I really don't do, I put the cap on so they can't see I have grey hair. Silly for sure, but it makes me feel better. For then they are judging me just for me and not for my grey hair.

Sending much hugs! Lovely to see a couple of my blog friends here too, we are all in it together. xoxo marilyn

[Vicki in Michigan]

I'm in.

I struggle with balance........... I can see much that's wrong with so many things, but I know it's not good for me to concentrate on that. I work to emphasize the positive, not because it's natural to me (it isn't!), but because I think it's better for me (and I expect it's better for those around me).

I can't ignore (gloss over, sweep under the rug....) the bad things. They are as real and as true as the good things.

I guess what I'm trying to do is remind myself is that bad probably doesn't outweigh good, mostly. Unless I let it (help it?) have too much sway.....

Thinking about this whole invisibility thing -- I realized I was invisible 10 or 15 years ago. I was working out at a university gym. 90-95 percent of the people there were male, and 98% of them were a generation younger than I was. No one was ever rude to me, but it was clear that I just did not signify. You could hear they boys' thoughts as they looked around the room: "free weights, bench-press machine, drinking fountain, crone, bicep machine........"

I decided that was OK with me. Being free of the meat market is liberating! I don't *want* anyone regarding me the way men used to, several decades ago!

My hair is gray, my face is wrinkled, I don't bleach my teeth. Anyone who has a problem with the way I look should get a life. I'm keeping that invisibility thing in mind -- I am QUITE sure that we as a group care FAR more about our appearances than is warranted, given that no one is looking..... :-)

Truth is good. Balance is good. Too much sweetness gives you cavities and an upset stomach. Too much darkness leads to depression and despair. Balance is good.....

[Michelle Saleeba]

Wonderful post thank you

[Marilyn]

Amen! I will be back with more comment, as I savor your words.

[Vanessa]

Tara,

Oh Tara, that was so beautiful.

In a way I know how you feel, maybe not all the same but in my own way.

I will love seeing what you have to share, to come.

I think we all have woes, some women just sweep it under the rug a lot better than someone like me I guess?

I feel like, I am so different after life kicked me in the butt for two years - and I too, like you, find myself ever so different.

Asking myself yet again, who am I and what do I enjoy in life? Like I did when I was 18.

Of course, we already know, but there are new things all the time in our ever-changing selves, for certain.

I Have faced darknesses that scared me so bad I shook for weeks.

First time health things and scary things - and after it's over I find myself asking...... Who am I?

Can I still be super happy go lucky? But I find I just have to go day to day and minute by minute.

I can't be who society wants me to be, I certainly don't fit into any mold in my age group. And I am far from perfect.

But just today on my walk I was thinking.....

What about contentment?

Why can't we just be content?

Why isn't it an option?

Why do we have to do more and look better and be all that we can be and more?

Aren't we good enough just as we are?

And why is being content and enjoying our days so hard for us to do?

I don't know.

My entire life's mission has been to search for inner peace, do what I love, just be me.

Don't do anything I don't want to do, etc.

And still, as a human being, the thoughts squirrel in.

Much like the thoughts you are sharing.

I am working on succumbing instead of fighting.

I find that anxiety and stress and fear leave me alone when I take deep breaths and succumb. I have to remind myself to though.

And to be good to myself.

Isn't life to be enjoyed after-all, I ask myself day to day?

Maybe we have some weird inner pre-programming?

All I know is that I love this post, I love to hear your change and journey.

I support you with all my heart.

And I am all for metamorphosis.

I am in mine for sure too.

Looooooooove you!! Vanessa

[Colette]

I hear you. My daily struggles and concerns hear you.
"Sometimes the act of living is an act of courage" -- anon.
Colette xoxo

[jeanie]

My dear friend, there is so very much in this for us all to take note of and yes, relate to. And boy, we know what you have experienced in the broad sense over the past couple of years. Nonetheless, there is a huge difference between knowing, empathizing, caring and living it.

But behind the words of self-reliance, of research, of fighting, of love, there is that energy bank -- one that is depleted every single moment of every single day with worry, exhaustion, pain -- physical and emotional.

It changes a person.

One of the powers of being human that we own (though not everyone uses it) is the power to reinvent ourselves. To rid ourselves of the things that don't mean what they once did. To change the way we look or the things we share. To do what matters.

There is a personal power in being able to "go with the truth," no matter how challenging or painful it may be. And in reading your authentic words and thoughts, we will grow, perhaps empathize, learn, feel and think.

Your "work to withstand the test of time" may not be here. We can cope with that. What's important is that you do what you need to do -- whether it is here or elsewhere (with occasional drop-ins, I hope!).

You are such an amazing woman, my friend. Being who you are in this space -- when you choose to be, when your time and obligations and energy allow you to be -- is all we, as friends and readers, could ever ask.

Sending big hugs across the sea. And tons of love.

[Kay]

I could identify with much of this, Tara. I look forward to what emerges. I often think we are like snakes, shedding old skins and emerging fresh and glistening in our new ones. You may not like the idea of snakes, but as I was born in the year of the snake I have had to re-evaluate my own view of them! Wishing you well my friend.

[Sheris White]

Of course I'll come along. Virgos have to stick together!

[CarolynBarnabo]

Wonderful post, Tara. I look forward to reading more as you continue on your journey.

Thanks for sharing this -- it rings of honesty and 'authenticity' (over-used word but seems appropriate). And I believe the truth will set you/all of us free.

Take care and all the best.